Scion of NLP

Archive for August, 2009

I gotta ask, “How do you do the things that you’re good at?” … I mean, “How do you do them so well?” …

That’s the question that started it all … just a couple guys with the simple question: “How do you do that?” …

… they were curious about how successful people were able to do what they did so well …  specifically they wanted to know how to replicating the skills and abilities of experts in human behavior and psychology. They wanted to be as good as the experts at helping people improve their lives and, in the end, what they learned was less about being good psychotherapists and more about the ways to figure out how others do what they do.

… they discovered how to pull apart the successful behaviors of others in order to create a set of steps which anyone can use to mimic that person’s skills and abilities … and that foundational process of NLP is called “Modeling” …

Today, Modeling Successful People has become a multi-million dollar a year industry … NLPers have taken their modeling skills and created strategies for everything from ‘weight loss’ to ‘overcoming depression’ … the most successful NLPers have used their modeling abilities to create strategies for things like ‘personal empowerment’ and ‘the Law of Attraction’ — (and I’m certain you probably know who I’m talking about… people like Anthony Robbins and Michael Lozier … millionaires who built their fortune with only their first level of NLP training!

Much like them, I began my NLP journey focused on just fixing myself, and since then I went from Depressed to Success … from working as an Accountant to being a Behavioral Modification Trainer & Coach … and for anyone who is thinking, “Yeah, but ‘How do you do that?” … my answer can be simplified to this: I’ve found my passion in life & I started living it!

To overcome a depressing, boring, anxiety ridden, stressful and/or frustrating life it takes more than controlling how you perceive life … the secret is in creating your future — focus less on stopping behaviors that suck and focus more on filling your life with doing things that bring you joy and happiness …

As an accountant I was simply existing but I wasn’t truly living my passion … now, overcoming depression hasn’t just allowed me to live my passion, but rather living my passion helps me stay out of depression … for me, I discovered my passion is teaching people NLP …

So, my advice for you is: find your passion in life and follow it! — what are you passionate about? … is it part of what you do for a living? … if no, then I say, “Why not?” …

Alternatively … it’s possible you may be asking the question: “What if you don’t know what your passion is?” …

The discussion has raged on for generations about what people think is the best way to solve the world’s problems (both internal personal issues and external challenges in our community) … but the one thing that everyone agrees on is: to truly overcome something you must deal with the source and not just the symptom(s) …

… in healthcare that means curing the cause of the illness rather than simply addressing the presenting symptoms.

… in business that means correcting the procedure that lead to the problem, not just extinguishing the problem itself.

… in education that means relating new lessons and learnings to what the student already knows rather than just presenting new ideas without reference.

The NLP approach to changing behaviors is based on this same format — find the current source of an unwanted behavior (the current unconscious reason or purpose for doing the behavior) and then find a new and improved way to get that need met; a way that will also help carry you towards the life you want to have. It’s interesting to note that sometimes in this process you discover that all you really need is to change the ‘reason’ for a behavior instead of trying to change the behavior itself!

As a child I learned to be a “Rescuer” because it’s how I got my self-esteem needs met. The problem is that it lead to me putting everyone else’s needs above my own, and with none of my own needs being met I had a terrible life. Today, I still use my “Rescuer” skills through my NLP coaching and course … however, I also recognize my own needs and take the time to make sure I’m taken care of too. I no longer rescue people to feel good about myself (these days I have healthier ways of fostering my self-esteem) … now I help people because I like to! — this freedom of choice allows me to say ‘NO’ whenever my own life becomes too challenging … and without any of the old feelings of guilt or shame.

In the end, whether you use NLP or some other modality for personal change, overcoming something in your life means looking at both the behavior and it’s source … if the reason you do it is unhealthy then you can change that … or, if the purpose of the behavior is positive but the behavior itself is causing you problems, then you can replace the behavior with one that still meets the underlying need (this is what reduces any resistance from your unconscious mind) …

… BTW, this the same way NLP deals with GOOD behaviors, too …

It’s true that people can change. The one limit you need to remember is that it’s difficult to change strategies that work … basically it’s a concept of: you don’t fix things that ain’t broke. The problem with that is: unhealthy habits, although on the surface they don’t seem to be getting you what you want, your unconscious mind does perceive that they are getting you “something” — old habits become new problems not because they stop working, but rather, they start working at accomplishing something other than what they were created for.

Imagine someone who is rude and condescending … when that behavior was originally created it may have served a purpose such as making them stand out as a confident and rebellious teenager (gaining them the admiration of their peers) … but, 20 years later, treating people like that is probably getting them the exact opposite — losing friends, costing them promotions at work or even getting them fired from their job — so why do they still use that same old behavior today? I mean, even if they consciously realize that it no longer serves any useful purpose, why do they keep doing it?

The answer is simple — it worked! (Note the past tense of the verb there) … in the past being rude and condescending worked so well that they unconsciously came to rely on it for predictable success at gaining them friends. However, even though they know it no longer works for that, they keep using the same behavior because at a deeper level it still creates a sense of control and power and predictability — it’s the only way they KNOW that has been successful before … so they unconsciously choose to do it without question! Any new behavior they learn doesn’t have the same track record of creating that sense of “I know how to handle this!” & “I’m in control of my life!”

Now, this is where NLP comes into play … Neuro Linguistic Programming was originally developed as a way to help people fix themselves — it was mainly focused on applications for psychotherapy … but, modern NLP has expanded on that model and begun helping people develop more useful and more successful attitudes, beliefs, values and behaviors in the fields of education, business & even for assisting in physical health and well-being. — so, for our rude and condescending friend who keeps losing his friends and his jobs, NLP offers knowledge and tools which have consistently worked over the years for re-training the unconscious part of the brain … so he could choose new and more useful behaviors … so he can have a better career where he’ll make more money … so he can create better personal relationships and improve other areas of his life –

Living a better life begins with accepting the fact that the unhealthy habits we use, although they don’t seem to be getting us something, do actually achieve an unconscious need (even if it’s just that sense of power of choice) … once you accept this truth then you can stop focusing on changing the behavior and start figuring out the unconscious need it’s achieving … that’s how you can find a new behavior to replace it with which will achieve the desired outcome while still getting that same unconscious need met! … Only then can you change your behaviors and improve your life!

Real danger is a part of many experiences in life — skydiving … bungee jumping … smacking an angry bear with a dead fish … motorcycle racing … the list is endless. However, there is one thing that can destroy a life which most people are unaware of … that something is called “Self Improvement!”

Ya’see, the innate drive to learn is born into all of us (it’s just part of our unconscious programming) simply as a way to learn. You touch the stove & get burned – you’ve “learned” something … but … what if you want more than just “learning to survive?” — what if you want to make your life better?

Whether you agree or not, it’s true that all those workshops and seminars about “self empowerment” actually do work (Tony Robbins ain’t rich by accident!) … the problem is that when you improve yourself it changes how you experience life … which changes how you interact with the people around you! So I have to say …

** WARNING! ** Overcoming depression has a tendency to cost you friends — if you meet someone when you’re depressing, then you’ll connect with them on that level of thinking … so, when your unhealthy ways of thinking and acting change, the people who remain on that level of thinking won’t be able to “connect” with the new un-depressed version of you because you won’t act and think in the way they’re used to — and people dislike it when predictable things change because it makes them feel like they’re losing control over parts of their life … that’s when they start saying things like, “You’ve changed!” and “You’re not the same person that I met!” –

And there’s the rub! — the truth is that you ARE the same person deep inside! With the same old habits of depression … but the difference is now you know the danger of letting those old habits take over … and now you know how to catch yourself when you’re doing them … and you know how to stop doing those old habits of depressing so that you can have the enjoyable life you want! … however, you may need to enjoy your new life with new friends who will support the healthy ways you perceive and interact with the world.

** REMEMBER ** When you’re improving your life using NLP it’s important to keep in mind that the friends who’ll last are the ones who can support you in your Self Improvement … or perhaps they’ll even join you on the journey!

One of the greatest fears of most people dealing with mental and emotional baggage is the stigma that seems to surround the concept of “going for counseling” (one of the main reasons I’m an NLP “Coach” … in our society getting counseling is often immediately connected to mental illness which is quickly associated to movies about serial killers, deranged lunatics & sociopathic criminals … and so, the thought of admitting you have “issues” … well … a person might immediately imagine their image being ruined … losing their friends … and it costing them their career!

However, there are communities and groups (especially on-line) that work to support people through their process of personal change and individual growth — there are endless number of forums and newsgroups and things such as those where anyone can share their story and receive advice and encouragement (or give it). I was lucky because in the NLP community we are extremely supportive of each other and often offer one another free coaching … the reason being that during the process of learning NLP you realize just how common it is for everyone to have their own inner demons which they must face …

Now, I’d like to say that facing your own issues won’t cost you anything & that it won’t lose you friends … but that just isn’t true … it does cost you a great many things! — although, it’s not so much that “having issues” is the problem … no, it’s more about “NOT having issues” being the real concern!

There are a lot of places where you can find sources of NLP support on the internet … and recently Soaring Success added a new one — we now have a Facebook Fan Page! If you have a Facebook Profile, please feel encouraged to “become a fan”   … http://www.facebook.com/pages/Victoria-BC/Soaring-Success-PEC/129511095742

When things aren’t working out the way you want it will always have an effect on the way you perceive your life … and in the same way it will effect any expectations you have of the future. As you know, if you fail enough times then you become accustom to failing and it’s what you learn to expect — thus, self sabotage is simply your unconscious behavior actualizing your expectations.

So, in order to get an unbiased perspective of events in life people will often seek the counsel of therapists and coaches — these are people who’s job is to provide a more useful outside point of view about the problems you face … but, the best coaches don’t just help you see things differently — they teach you how to CHANGE the way you see things for yourself. Having a psychologist change the way you perceive things means you need to see them every time things aren’t working in life. On the other hand, NLP coaches are focused more on teaching you to help yourself so that you can stop the negative pattern permanently — which is what my mentor Judy Wright of Gateways Counseling in Regina, SK did for me! ( http://gatewayscounselling.com/ )

From experience I can tell you that changing the way you see things is actually the easy part in the beginning — for people who are really good at screwing up their lives it is such a natural habit that by the time they realize it’s time to do something it’s already too late … so all they can do is fix things after their broken. The difficult part for people in that situation is learning to catch themselves screwing things up before it’s too late!  Depression is exactly like that — you gotta be able to catch yourself doing it before you get too deep, otherwise you need someone else’s help to pull yourself out. However, when you learn to catch yourself messing up perceptions before they completely take hold, then you can do the techniques you learn in counseling to be able to stop yourself from becoming overwhelmingly depressed!

Although, after years of practice, you might expect that someone who has dealt with depression for a long time would have the highly developed skills and abilities necessary in order to entirely avoid slipping and falling back into their whirlpool of depression … but that’s wrong — you see, humans have a tendency to become complacent … so, just like an alcoholic who’s working to stay sober, a person who depresses needs to stay vigilant if they’re going to remain positive and healthy … but, the sad fact still remains … it just doesn’t work that easy. So then what??? What can a person who knows their habits of depressing are inevitable do? … I mean, that mere realization alone could send a person in that situation plunging back into depressing thoughts … however, there is actually a solution out there!

The best way to think of depression (or anxiety) is kinda like self bullying … if your own internal emotions bully you into seeing a problem in a certain way, then it’s difficult to see any other way to deal with it — thus, people work with counselors and coaches to get an external, un-clouded perspective of the problem …

Einstein was quoted as saying, “You can never solve a problem on the same level which you created it!” … and in NLP we easily overcome this concern by “Chunking” around — the basic premise being that you can both 1. split big problems into manageable sized pieces while also 2. see the problem as one small piece of a much larger picture …

… hmmmm … seeing a really big problem as being a smaller part of something else, while at the same time seeing the same problem as being made up of even smaller pieces … seems like a simple concept, right?

So … get a box of cereal and put it on the very edge of a table … then, squat down next the table and lean in close to the bottom of the box – so that your nose is almost touching where the cereal box meets the table … and now, moving your head as little as possible, look up — look waaaaaay up … and suddenly it looks like one ENORMOUS cereal box. Now, from this point-of-view it would as if it was way to big to move! … or does it? — after all, a box of cereal is just that … a box which is filled with smaller individual pieces of cereal that even a mouse could move!  Now, stand up and take a few steps back … and look at the cereal box and how it is part of the whole scene — from this perspective it’s merely one small part of the bigger picture (*wow – I just realized I totally need to clean my kitchen!*).

As you can guess, the general idea is that if you can see the same problem from a different perspective it will give you a different way of understanding it … and ultimately give you a new way to consider solving it. However, one trick I learned while overcoming depression is about knowing WHEN and HOW to apply these two options!    …

- When your issue is an ACTION — like, having to do something — and your negative feeling is that you’re unable to do it … then try break it up into smaller and more achievable pieces.

- When your issue is an EVENT — like, something that happens outside your control — and you feel powerless to deal with it … then look at where it fits in life and work on changing the things that effect the problem instead.

… that’s one neat little twist of focus that I learned from an NLP coach of my own, Judy Wright … and that’s not the only trick she taught me …

We now know that one of the biggest obstacles for a depressed person to get over is their own belief that they need to fix everything themselves … once you get past that, then it’s simply finding the confidence to ASK for the help — the big issue between those two points is centered around an “ALL or NOTHING” perception … and that’s a core element for having mad depression skills! You see, an expert in depression truly believes they MUST fix ALL their problems ENTIRELY by themselves — and if you convince them to change that perception, then they can easily flip to the exact opposite end the spectrum and suddenly they will believe that they CAN NOT DO ANYTHING for themselves — which includes getting help from others! (*enter our arch nemesis, “Self Sabotage,” once again*)

For me, I was lucky — by the time I reached the epitome of my depression I had learned just enough NLP to recognize that all my thoughts and beliefs are merely perceptions; neither right or wrong — only useful or un-useful. So as I sat there in the last moments of life I was able to admit that what I was doing and thinking were behaviors which I WAS CHOOSING … and that meant I could choose something different! — that’s right, when you take responsibility for the bad stuff you perceive in your life, then it becomes possible to choose different ways of seeing and experiencing those same events.

This realization was just enough to allow me the chance to ask the one person in my life at that time who I could rely on to simply “stay with me” … when I came to this huge cross-roads in my life I was truly blessed to have the best friend I had ever have met there — and she was there every step of the way … and still to this day she remains one of my dearest friends … she’s the mother of my son … she’s my ex-wife … and she’s my savior …

… the old saying is, “In the world you may be merely one person … but, to one person you may be the entire world!” — the question is who are the people around you today that you could count on if you came to a cross-roads in your life? … teachers? … friends? … family members? — think about it … I do … often (here’s an example: http://givingchallenge.ning.com/profiles/blogs/2039308logPost:34116 )

There are a number of old sayings that speak about helping your fellow man, and all that good karma stuff … however, one common element is that in every culture all the proverbs always seem to agree on one thing — before you can ever help others you must always help yourself first!

Now, on the surface this can almost seem like a statement of selfishness — kinda like a “put yourself #1″ idea — but, the real meaning is actually about your need to be in a healthy mental and physical space if you’re ever gonna be of any help to others. By putting importance on taking care of yourself it both, shows others that it’s okay for them to recognize when they need to put themselves first to get better (& that’s okay to do it), … plus, it shows yourself some respect too …

… which is a huge problem for someone with depression because, when it’s the job of a depressor to rescue the world, the last thing they want to do is put more problems on others … so that means a depressed person feels they must be solely responsible for all their own problems and fix them all by themselves … without help from ANYONE!  (*Yikes!*)

However, let’s go back to the original idea that “Before you can ever help others you must always help yourself first” … which can sometimes mean being able to recognize when you need to let others help you (seriously — the presupposition of the sentence is that anyone is able to help others when they’re in a healthy space — include one’s own friends and family … including helping you!).

This is pretty tough thing for a person with depression to accept, but it’s also the most important “first step” if they’re ever gonna be in a healthy enough space to help the people they care so much about! My NLP buddy Archie once summed it up best when he looked me in the eye and said, “Daniel. You could really accomplish a lot … if you’d only get out of your damn way!” … and when one is on the verge of suicide that’s exactly it — the only thing that stood between me and living was … well … me!

As many people over the years have realized, one of the greatest benefits of NLP is not merely helping improve your own life … but the ability to be more effective at influencing other people to improve their lives as well. Recently, I got the chance for an interview with one such person who makes a living from doing exactly that — she helps people actualize their dream of being an author … and she uses NLP to help her do it!

Her name is Julie Salisbury of Inspire-A-Book ( http://www.inspireabook.com/ ) and I’ve posted a new video of her telephone interview on the topic of NLP and what it’s done for her. If you’re curious, here it is:

Since the release of the movie “The Secret” and books such as “The Law of Attraction” by Lozier there has been a huge movement towards the idea of everybody manifesting the life they want … today, much of the material available often promotes the wonderful idea that it’s possible for you to manifest ANYTHING you want! … However, the curious question is, “Why doesn’t it seem to ALWAYS work?” Well, the answer is fairly simple — the recent flood of Law of Attraction material into the world is, for the most part, ‘Backwards!’

Yep … I know, surprising eh? … now, you might wonder: “How do I know this?” … well, it’s interesting that you ask. You see … a few years ago, that was the exact topic which I was focusing on in the doctorial dissertation I needed to complete in order to get my Research Doctorate in Metaphysical Science! (For anyone who’s curious, I’ve included a link to a copy of my research paper below) After a lot of work, the final conclusion that I came to was: In order for your Law of Attraction or Intention Manifestation techniques to be successful you must first solve whatever issues you have in life that are holding you back! … the current problem today is that most people are try to manifest what they want in hopes that it will solve the issues they have in their lives …

… and that’s precisely what I did when I first learned NLP — my immediate thought was that I could have anything I want in life (and it’s true you can) but I was focused on manifesting all my material hopes and dreams which forced me to recognize all the limiting beliefs, behaviors, thoughts and feelings that had been created in childhood — everything that was holding me back from all the wealth and happiness I could possibly dream of!

It was as if I asked the Universe for more money in order to be happy and it said, “Sure! … you just gotta deal with THIS first!” … and the next thing I knew I was holding a bottle of pills surprised by how my life was about to end …

Based on everything I’ve read I confidently believe that both Donald Trump & the Dalai Lama have dealt with all their inner demons and are free to use the Law of Attraction to manifest happiness for themselves — for one it comes in the form of a feel inside … for the other it takes the form of a bank balance … each persona has their own definition of what happiness means for them.

If you’d like to see the research — and I warn you that it’s a heavy read; a bit more technical than most things I write — the research paper was called, “The Foundation of General Manifestation and Law of Attraction Techniques” … and you can download a PDF copy here: http://www.scionofnlp.ca/Manifestation_Research.pdf