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Archive for the ‘Self Excellence’ Category

I think some of my readers who aren’t experienced with depression have good questions that deserve answers … one of which is:

How the hell does a person with depression who knows that their mind twists things in a negative way actually believe that self-created bull-shit? I mean, if you KNOW that the negative perceptions are illogical then why do you still choose to believe them?

Well, the truth is, the human desire for control over life is one of the basic needs all humans share in order to maintain a sense of safety with regard to their survival. For this sense of safety and control over the things we need in life to survive an average person will seek predictability through daily routines — the proverbial “rut” that people fall into. It’s our rut in life which gives us that sense of security we all so desperately look for because, if we can predict the future, the belief is that we have some level of control over the outcome; however, for a depressed person this is extremely dangerous …

You see, that need for creating patterns in life that can be predicted turns into habits of self-sabotage for many people. In a depressed person this self-sabotage is an outstanding source of comfort as it gives the person a Jedi like skill of clairvoyance at seeing their future — to ALWAYS know how things are going to turn out (through ensuring things always end in failure) it means they’ll always know what to expect and thus can be feel prepared in how to deal with it. The problem resides in the fact that any future they think of will ALWAYS end in ‘failure’ (even if they need to do things in order to make it fail).

So, the trade off to not being afraid of the future is living with the knowledge that the entire rest of one’s life will forever be an ongoing, constant, epic failure! … over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again … kinda depressing ain’t it?

So, there has been a lot happening in my own life recently, as well as in the lives of those people closest to me, and all the stress, chaos, & misfortune have taken a huge toll on my faith in any unending joy of life, in the belief of that our universe has unlimited abundance, and in the ‘love’ inherent within all of mankind — all of these things I have begun to believe in less and less every day. This ongoing constant barrage of problems, issues, attacks, and setbacks have done a lot to feed that part deep in the back of my mind where my depression lays sleeping and dormant … allowing it to grow stronger and stronger … stirring it to wake.

With all these external issues and incidents, combined with the strengthening of my own negative thought habits, it’s no surprise that discussions in my home have often turned to the ‘pointlessness of life.’ In several of the more recent conversations my girlfriend, Jodie, and I have talked extensively about the Depressing Mind and how it works … and I’ve learned a lot through trying to explain it to someone who can’t relate (and when I say can’t relate I mean totally-opposite-end-of-the-spectrum unable to understand — Jodie is the pollyanna to my jaded darkness).

After all of our talks one very simple explanation of what a Depressing Mindset looks like finally came to light in the form of a metaphor:

If you think of a person as having an internal balancing scale that weighs the good experiences of life against the bad ones, then you can think of human perception as being a type of sorting machine. As events enter a person’s awareness they are sorted to one side or the other — sorted into things that bring the person good feelings (ex. happy, joy, love, humor, excitement, compassion, etc.) and the things that create bad feelings (ex. anger, frustration, hate, fear, sadness, guilt, etc.).

Now, for a normal person that sorting machine is usually somewhat balanced. Occasionally it might be a bit sensitive — the spring would too tight or too loose — in certain contexts or with certain people, but for the most part of life it’s normally quite balanced. Overall, the majority of experiences in the person’s life will fall onto the positive side of the scale, making them feel their life is fairly good.

In a person who is afflicted with depression the whole process is exactly the same, except for one small difference … the sorting machine is broken. Whether it’s because of a chemical imbalance in the brain or simply unhealthy thinking patterns, the little metal sorting arm is twisted and bent out of shape. The result is that even when events ‘should’ be sorted as being positive/pleasurable experiences, some of them accidentally fall onto the negative side of the scale.

A good example of this kind of mistaken sorting in the mind of a depressed person would be the idea of Family and Loved Ones — where the average person might experience these people as being a positive part of their life that bring them joy because of the good feelings they bring (having a positive effect on their life), a person with the depressing mind will only see how they are unable to support and take care of their family and loved ones (having a negative effect on their personal identity and their ability to create a good life). In this way the depression is able to twist almost any life experience (no matter how great it might be) to be proof that life sucks and truly isn’t worth living!

Being a behavior modification coach who specializes in helping people change habits of depression I’ve become more and more aware that there are a lot of things I can offer people who are dealing with depression — I have learned dozens of skills and techniques that can help anyone combat the standard patterns of depression (both thoughts and behaviors) … and yet, those are not the things I want to share most! Those, I’ve discovered, aren’t the things people with depression need most.

As someone who’s faced the demons of depression, fought the battle against the beasts, and has come to terms with the fact that for the rest of my life I will have to work to keep them caged, I’ve learned a lot of things along the way. I know of something that can be more important than actually addressing all those causes of one’s depression — it’s the people who enable those unhealthy habits! In fact, it’s often the people closest to a depression sufferer who shackle them with expectations of negative thought patterns and perceptions.

Ironically, those are the same people who usually judge the person for their pessimistic attitude toward life. Their constant belittling of and accusations about the person’s ongoing lethargic behavior and melancholy comments can be that one extra weight on their already fragile psyche that simply pushes them into thoughts of suicide!

So, I’ve decided I need to do something about that issue! Yes! I’m letting people know that as of January/February (during my ‘winter blues’ period) I have started writing a new book focused on explaining depression to those people who just can’t seem to understand. Anyone who has lived with depression knows exactly what I’m talking about — those people who have at least told them once to just;

• … suck it up and quit whining! Everybody has problems.
• … cheer up — you’re such a downer all the time!
• … let it go — it’s not that big of a deal.
• … stop worrying so much.

– and, no matter how you’ve tried to explain it to them, they just can’t quite wrap their mind around the concept that it’s simply not quite that easy (even with proper help/training/medication). More or less the book will be about what a goes on in the mind of a person with depression and what they must deal with on a daily basis.

Here’s a depressing fact to think about:

As I’ve calculated from my own personal past experience (and have had a handful of my own coaching clients have agreed with) … it’s likely that, on average, when a person who has suffered with depression for a long time is in an up-beat and happy mood they will only have the thought, *I wish I were dead.* about 170 times per day.

In comparison, during a time when that same person is entrenched deep within a terrible bout of depression — i.e. in bed with the covers pulled over their head — the thought, *I wish I were dead.* can potentially run through their mind up to as much as 5 times every minute … which is about 300 times per hour … meaning that, if they lay in bed all day, it’s likely a person with sever depression could wish they were dead well over 2000 times in one day! (OMFG! Talk about a Law of Attraction Epic Fail!)

If you’d like to get a better idea of what the basic premise of the book will be about you can check out the post I did on www.drdansays.com ‘Why did daddy kill himself?’

Boo-ya! It has finally become official — science has proven that my depression skills gives me a mental edge on the pollyannas of the world.

(are you listening Jodie?!)

A study by Australian psychology expert Professor Joe Forgas recently concluded that being in a grumpy mood makes us think more clearly. I choose to interpret this to mean that people who suffer with depression may possibly have a greater ability to make better judgments than the average person — the optimal word there being ‘possibly!’

The recently published article on the BBC News website — Feeling Grumpy ‘is good for you’ — says “Those in a bad mood outperformed those who were jolly — they made fewer mistakes and were better communicators.” Professor Forgas’ explanation for this is: “Whereas positive mood seems to promote creativity, flexibility, co-operation and reliance on mental shortcuts, negative moods trigger more attentive, careful thinking, paying greater attention to the external world.”

I know you’re probably thinking, ‘How the Hell Does That Work?‘

Well, the theory behind this concept is quite simple actually — more or less the idea is that a person who is looking for the ways things can potentially fail, the better chance they have of being prepared for anything that will go wrong along the way. This ‘Eeyore’ kind of mindset, however, does hold its own potential for problems.

A person who has the true power of depression must walk a razor’s edge — always on guard, wary of going too far!

You see, depression (or, as Forgas refers to it, being grumpy) is not a thought process in itself. These are better described as emotions, attitudes or, as NLP calls them, states of mind. As a state of mind it can best be compared to a filter on one’s awareness — a certain way of focusing a person’s attention on specific elements within their perception … looking to see things in a way that will most make sense with their negative attitude about things.

The biggest difference is, where being grumpy is about a certain context or situation, being depressed is a negative attitude towards overall life in general and, although it can sometimes help you think more objectively about things, too much negativity can be just as bad as being too positive. If being too pollyanna makes one gullible then being too grumpy makes one pessimistic, demotivated, and prone to self-sabotage.

As many of my readers know, one key difference with NLP is the acceptance that every person has his or her own Mental Map or Model of the World — we all have our own way of thinking how the world works. This is what makes NLPers so much more flexible when it comes to working with and communicating with other people — even if we don’t always agree with someone’s perspective we can acknowledge that it exists and work within that person’s beliefs and values.

One of the best stories I came across last year was about a German nursing home for seniors that had figured out a way to actually utilized a patient’s alzheimer’s in ensuring their own safety … to basically keep them from wandering too far off. Here’s the full story:

Fake Bus Stop Keeps Alzheimer’s Patients From Wandering Off

German nursing homes are using a novel strategy to stop Alzheimer’s patients from wandering off: phantom bus stops.

Written by Harry de Quetteville in Berlin, and Published Jun 3, 2008.
(CLICK HERE to go to the original news story)

The idea was first tried at Benrath Senior Centre in Düsseldorf, which pitched an exact replica of a standard stop outside, with one small difference: buses do not use it.

The centre had been forced to rely on police to retrieve patients who wanted to return to their often non-existent homes and families.

Then Benrath teamed up with a local care association called the “Old Lions”. They went to the Rheinbahn transport network which supplied the bus stop.

“It sounds funny but it helps,” said Franz-Josef Goebel, the chairman of the “Old Lions” association.

“Our members are 84 years old on average. Their short-term memory hardly works, but the long-term memory is still active.

“They know the green and yellow bus sign and remember that waiting there means they will go home.”

The result is that errant patients now wait for their trip home at the bus stop, before quickly forgetting why they were there in the first place.

“We will approach them and say that the bus is coming later and invite them in for a coffee,” said Richard Neureither, Benrath’s director. “Five minutes later they have completely forgotten they wanted to leave.”

The idea has proved so successful that it has now been adopted by several other homes across Germany.

Personally … I think it’s damn brilliant of an idea! It totally makes sense from an NLP stand point and it’s proven to work — what more can you ask for? I only hope that my nursing home is that smart when I get to be that age … although, some people say that dementia is just parent’s vengeance for all the trouble you cause during your teenage years.

The best teachers in this world never truly answer questions with statements and the best students never ask questions without having a possible answer …

… aaaaaannd, your thinking: What the hell does that mean?

Well, the 2 most influential teachers in my life taught me those key concepts and, as much as possible, I use them in all the courses and seminars I teach. You see, one person who I learned a lot from never gave me a straight out answer — she always would answer my questions with a question that would help me to connect things in my own mind in order to better understand and relate to the lessons she was teaching. On the flip-side, the second person who taught me a great deal in life never allowed me to ask a question without at least having a guess as to what I thought the answer might be.

In both of these cases I learned the real essence of learning:

Honest Curiosity

Looking for the answer you want to find — deciding what you expect the answer to be and then only seeking information to support your beliefs — is not being honest to the true answer. In the same sense, asking random questions about things which you have no basic knowledge or understanding is useless (kinda like asking the someone to explain trigonometry without even a basic ability to do math) — it’s not being honest to your true level of curiosity.

… and IMHO, the best teachers in the world instill a sense of honest curiosity in their students! (which is part of my never ending quest as an NLP Trainer)

With those thoughts in mind I wanted to share a little inspirational story from a cool website, Zen Moments:

The post was titled My favorite Liar (click the title to go to the original article), and the basic story was as such …

A guy had a professor in college that added an interesting twist to his lectures — it was boring subject so on the first day of class he explained that during every class he would teach one lie and it was the students’ job to catch him in his lie.

At first the lies were easy to spot and students would immediately spot them and raise their hands to question the validity of his statements. When he was caught he’d cross that part out on the board and congratulate them on catching the lie.

As time went on the lies became more subtle and it would take students longer to find them and often it would be only a handful who would question something that was explained a bit earlier in the lecture … until, eventually the professor was able to get through the whole class and no one had caught the lie.

When that happened he would joyfully tell the students that he succeeded and that there was an error somewhere in their notes which they would need to discuss among themselves and present their arguments at the next class. Soon the students had begun to form study groups and had to really dig to determine what lie he had taught them in the previous class ..

… until one day when the students were presenting their thoughts and he simply kept proving them wrong. After the students had exhausted all their possible guesses … the professor said: Do you remember the first lecture – how I said that ‘every lecture has a lie?’ … well, that was a lie. My previous lecture was completely on the level. But I am glad you reviewed your notes rigorously this weekend – a lot of it will be on the final. Moving on …

So, what did that professor teach those students above and beyond the class material? … what was his real legacy as an instructor? — All those students learned:

• ‘Experts’ can be wrong, even when they say things that sound right – so build a habit of evaluating new information and check it against things you already accept as fact. (this goes for seemingly ‘Honest’ truth tellers who often keep confirming that ‘they are hiding nothing’ … are they trying to convince their readers or themselves?)
• If you see something wrong, take the initiative to flag it as misinformation … when things don’t add up, look for the pieces that are missing — having only 1 or 2 pieces of a puzzle will never show you the whole picture (this also applies to singular facts or statements that have been taken out of context)
• A sense of playfulness is the best defense against taking yourself too seriously — everyone makes mistakes and when we do or say something in error there will always be people who will jump on that fact as a way to drag you down and discredit you … don’t take yourself too seriously and you won’t take their comments too seriously either (… and if you don’t take those people who fixate only on mistakes seriously, then no one else will either — accept your errors but focus on your successes so others will do the same)

… something to make you go Hmmmmm…

A woman I know told me the story of how she baked cupcakes for her granddaughter’s 7th birthday. When she arrived with a big container filled with cupcakes the young girl came running to the door and excitedly asked, “What is it?”

“It’s cupcakes for your birthday party, sweetheart.” the woman replied.

The little girl’s face dropped and glumly she said, “Oh.” Then, taking the container from her grandma, the little girl let out a big sigh and sadly carried the cupcakes toward the kitchen.

As the grandmother and the girl’s mother talked at the dining room table they suddenly heard the little girl squeal with delight from the kitchen and watched as she came running in to them. Bouncing with joy the child exclaimed, “Sprinkles! They have sprinkles all over them!”

“What?” asked the mom, “There are sprinkles all over what, dear?”

“The cupcakes! The cupcakes that grandma brought!” cried the little girl.

After giving her grandma a giant hug the little girl excitedly awaited the he childhood party guests, and as each one arrived she dragged them to the kitchen saying, “Come see! You gotta see! Grandma made cupcakes and they have sprinkles all over them!”

As the old woman sipped her drink and told me the story she added, “And they were completely an accident — I never meant to put them on, but then when I saw them in the cupboard I decided at the last minute to toss some sprinkles on them just for fun.” With a smile she added, “And now I’m sure glad I did!”

We talked a while longer and agreed — life is truly all about the sprinkles … and that little girl knew it!

There are gonna be things in life that suck — that aren’t exactly the way we wish they were … but, from time to time, there are gonna be little things along the way that make us smile. Those are the things we need to focus on and be happy about — this journey we call life is really about taking pleasure and finding excitement in the little sprinkles that make you smile along the way.

(*sigh*) Sometimes the toughest thing to do in this world is stand by and watch as ‘injustice’ happens … but deciding to do nothing in some cases is simply the best option to choose.

As many of my readers know, a base concept of NLP is that everyone has their own model of the world — their own way of thinking how the world works — and many of us support every person’s right to have their own point of view on things. That sometimes also includes their own way of doing things … especially their own things.

I remember many years ago, the Aikido dojo where I trained (and occasionally taught beginner classes) had one high ranking student whom everyone complained about. I would have endless numbers of lower ranking students talk about how he was ‘too rough’ and they often asked why nothing was done about it. At one point they even asked me as a higher ranking student to take their concerns to the dojo Sensei … and I did. [BTW, just a little FYI for any Aikidoka out there -- the dojo Sempai is the one who is supposed to deal with issues of etiquette in the dojo ... not the Sensei ... so don't go straight to the Head Instructor before you talk to the Head Student]

What was the end result? … when the issue was brought out in the open no one would stand up and support my claims — and I ended up looking like I was holding a personal grudge or something … the result being I was disciplined for my ‘false’ accusations.

Now, skip ahead to today … a family friend of mine is going through some real tough times right now, and to make things worse, the whole world has begun to turn on her and her family — having suffered a personal tragedy she originally went to the media in order to get the police to take her case seriously … and now that they are, she’s happy to move on … but it is no longer that easy.

I watch helplessly from the sidelines as her family are verbally bullied and attacked … and they do nothing. Even in the face of all the proverbial mud-slinging the family has chosen to take the high road … refusing to fight back … allowing all the internet crazies out there stir up more and more trouble for all of them — and no matter how upsetting it might be it’s not my place to fight her battles for her (although I’d be happy to help if she asked … and even tried a little too) … I must constantly remind myself that it’s not my place.

Sometimes the toughest thing to do in this world is see something that you can’t comprehend and– even though you don’t know what to think or say or do — you wonder if maybe you should possibly do something about it? … or do you just leave it? …

… and in the end I’ve learned that it’s really not my place (especially as an NLPer) to judge the choices of others … whether or not it’s ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in my own model of the world … whether or not it’s the way I would do things … sometimes, I’ve learned, the best thing to do when you see something that you may or may not consider to be ‘injustice’ is to simply do your best to accept what is and just let it go …

What the hell is wrong with people on twitter who promote themselves as NLP practitioners and trainers?

I mean, one of the base key elements of NLP is the knowledge that every person on the planet has their very own individualized mental map of how life works … we each have thoughts and memories that help us relate to new experiences! So, can someone please explain to me what all these so called ‘NLP Gurus’ on twitter are doing when they have everything completely automated??

Seriously, what the hell do you need to be thinking? — Sending out an automated response to a new followers to say thanks and ‘hey, connect with me on Facebook, too!‘ … or, setting up automated tweets that quote some famous person … yeah, that totally makes me feel connected wit’ ya there bud! … and the forever on-going tweets about ‘check this out!‘ and ‘I can’t believe I’m giving this away!‘ with short-links — are you a complete fukcing idiot?! … did your NLP trainer teach you nothing, you nim-rod?

If you want to get people to trust you and buy from you in this day and age then social media is an opportunity for NLPers to get inside other people’s way of thinking … to find out what they need & want … and to customize what you offer to make sure it will give your clients and customers exactly what they’re looking for! But, most of all, things like twitter and facebook are made to connect with people (not just sell to them!) … it’s about building trust … by being [and I know this may sound completely crazy!] genuinely interested those other people!

So, to all my fellow NLPers in the world … in fact, to everybody — try asking people questions or responding to theirs … who knows, you might actually engage the other person in a kind of interaction beyond online gaming!

Movies can sometimes be a great escape from reality in the sense that it takes you away from the pressing anxieties and worries of your everyday life and submerses you into a whole different world… but it’s not real.

Some movies are even based on real life events and, although we can imagine it happening to the characters in the movie, that would never happen in your life… so it doesn’t actually feel real.

Some movies make us laugh … some make us cry … and others scare the living shit out of us — but they aren’t real!

… but they can be …

I was forced to think about something that left me chilled to the bone recently — forced to face the question we never want to consider … ‘what if it was my family?’

If you haven’t been following the news recently there is a guy who went missing back in February of this year and, even though his family had all reported him missing, he was never found … in fact, because he was over 25 years old he wasn’t even really a priority. Not until he was finally returned to his family several weeks ago …

His mother received that call we all dread … it was the hospital in a city 2 provinces away … and her son was no longer missing. He had been dropped off at the emergency room barely alive. After weeks in intensive care he was finally taken off life support and he was able to breath on his own … but it wasn’t all good news …

… he had been beaten, tortured, repeatedly suffocated, stabbed, cut, and mutilated repeatedly over several months.

This was real life…

These are people I know!

… and then it hit me! — My son turned 10 years old this year and I stopped to think for a moment … what if this ever happened to him? If he had been brutally disfigured and slowly tortured over and over and over … the fear he would feel … the pleading he would do for his life … the prayers he’d offer to be allowed to die … what if?

These are people just like you and me … living in free country where stuff like this doesn’t happen, right? This guy was once 10 years old too … filled with all the wonder and hopes that childhood offers … never once imagining a future so dark and terrifying …

I stopped to imagine if it was my own child … and it filled me with terror, anguish, fear, sadness and rage …

For some of you this is just some words written on some guys blog somewhere in far, far away — just another world event … for some of you this is something that you can imagine would quite horrific for the family that it happened to … but it’ll never happen to you, right?

For everyone else who actually feels what I felt, please visit:

www.DustinLaFortune.com

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