Scion of NLP

Archive for the ‘Modeling’ Category

So, there has been a lot happening in my own life recently, as well as in the lives of those people closest to me, and all the stress, chaos, & misfortune have taken a huge toll on my faith in any unending joy of life, in the belief of that our universe has unlimited abundance, and in the ‘love’ inherent within all of mankind — all of these things I have begun to believe in less and less every day. This ongoing constant barrage of problems, issues, attacks, and setbacks have done a lot to feed that part deep in the back of my mind where my depression lays sleeping and dormant … allowing it to grow stronger and stronger … stirring it to wake.

With all these external issues and incidents, combined with the strengthening of my own negative thought habits, it’s no surprise that discussions in my home have often turned to the ‘pointlessness of life.’ In several of the more recent conversations my girlfriend, Jodie, and I have talked extensively about the Depressing Mind and how it works … and I’ve learned a lot through trying to explain it to someone who can’t relate (and when I say can’t relate I mean totally-opposite-end-of-the-spectrum unable to understand — Jodie is the pollyanna to my jaded darkness).

After all of our talks one very simple explanation of what a Depressing Mindset looks like finally came to light in the form of a metaphor:

If you think of a person as having an internal balancing scale that weighs the good experiences of life against the bad ones, then you can think of human perception as being a type of sorting machine. As events enter a person’s awareness they are sorted to one side or the other — sorted into things that bring the person good feelings (ex. happy, joy, love, humor, excitement, compassion, etc.) and the things that create bad feelings (ex. anger, frustration, hate, fear, sadness, guilt, etc.).

Now, for a normal person that sorting machine is usually somewhat balanced. Occasionally it might be a bit sensitive — the spring would too tight or too loose — in certain contexts or with certain people, but for the most part of life it’s normally quite balanced. Overall, the majority of experiences in the person’s life will fall onto the positive side of the scale, making them feel their life is fairly good.

In a person who is afflicted with depression the whole process is exactly the same, except for one small difference … the sorting machine is broken. Whether it’s because of a chemical imbalance in the brain or simply unhealthy thinking patterns, the little metal sorting arm is twisted and bent out of shape. The result is that even when events ‘should’ be sorted as being positive/pleasurable experiences, some of them accidentally fall onto the negative side of the scale.

A good example of this kind of mistaken sorting in the mind of a depressed person would be the idea of Family and Loved Ones — where the average person might experience these people as being a positive part of their life that bring them joy because of the good feelings they bring (having a positive effect on their life), a person with the depressing mind will only see how they are unable to support and take care of their family and loved ones (having a negative effect on their personal identity and their ability to create a good life). In this way the depression is able to twist almost any life experience (no matter how great it might be) to be proof that life sucks and truly isn’t worth living!

Boo-ya! It has finally become official — science has proven that my depression skills gives me a mental edge on the pollyannas of the world.

(are you listening Jodie?!)

A study by Australian psychology expert Professor Joe Forgas recently concluded that being in a grumpy mood makes us think more clearly. I choose to interpret this to mean that people who suffer with depression may possibly have a greater ability to make better judgments than the average person — the optimal word there being ‘possibly!’

The recently published article on the BBC News website — Feeling Grumpy ‘is good for you’ — says “Those in a bad mood outperformed those who were jolly — they made fewer mistakes and were better communicators.” Professor Forgas’ explanation for this is: “Whereas positive mood seems to promote creativity, flexibility, co-operation and reliance on mental shortcuts, negative moods trigger more attentive, careful thinking, paying greater attention to the external world.”

I know you’re probably thinking, ‘How the Hell Does That Work?‘

Well, the theory behind this concept is quite simple actually — more or less the idea is that a person who is looking for the ways things can potentially fail, the better chance they have of being prepared for anything that will go wrong along the way. This ‘Eeyore’ kind of mindset, however, does hold its own potential for problems.

A person who has the true power of depression must walk a razor’s edge — always on guard, wary of going too far!

You see, depression (or, as Forgas refers to it, being grumpy) is not a thought process in itself. These are better described as emotions, attitudes or, as NLP calls them, states of mind. As a state of mind it can best be compared to a filter on one’s awareness — a certain way of focusing a person’s attention on specific elements within their perception … looking to see things in a way that will most make sense with their negative attitude about things.

The biggest difference is, where being grumpy is about a certain context or situation, being depressed is a negative attitude towards overall life in general and, although it can sometimes help you think more objectively about things, too much negativity can be just as bad as being too positive. If being too pollyanna makes one gullible then being too grumpy makes one pessimistic, demotivated, and prone to self-sabotage.

As many of my readers know, one key difference with NLP is the acceptance that every person has his or her own Mental Map or Model of the World — we all have our own way of thinking how the world works. This is what makes NLPers so much more flexible when it comes to working with and communicating with other people — even if we don’t always agree with someone’s perspective we can acknowledge that it exists and work within that person’s beliefs and values.

One of the best stories I came across last year was about a German nursing home for seniors that had figured out a way to actually utilized a patient’s alzheimer’s in ensuring their own safety … to basically keep them from wandering too far off. Here’s the full story:

Fake Bus Stop Keeps Alzheimer’s Patients From Wandering Off

German nursing homes are using a novel strategy to stop Alzheimer’s patients from wandering off: phantom bus stops.

Written by Harry de Quetteville in Berlin, and Published Jun 3, 2008.
(CLICK HERE to go to the original news story)

The idea was first tried at Benrath Senior Centre in Düsseldorf, which pitched an exact replica of a standard stop outside, with one small difference: buses do not use it.

The centre had been forced to rely on police to retrieve patients who wanted to return to their often non-existent homes and families.

Then Benrath teamed up with a local care association called the “Old Lions”. They went to the Rheinbahn transport network which supplied the bus stop.

“It sounds funny but it helps,” said Franz-Josef Goebel, the chairman of the “Old Lions” association.

“Our members are 84 years old on average. Their short-term memory hardly works, but the long-term memory is still active.

“They know the green and yellow bus sign and remember that waiting there means they will go home.”

The result is that errant patients now wait for their trip home at the bus stop, before quickly forgetting why they were there in the first place.

“We will approach them and say that the bus is coming later and invite them in for a coffee,” said Richard Neureither, Benrath’s director. “Five minutes later they have completely forgotten they wanted to leave.”

The idea has proved so successful that it has now been adopted by several other homes across Germany.

Personally … I think it’s damn brilliant of an idea! It totally makes sense from an NLP stand point and it’s proven to work — what more can you ask for? I only hope that my nursing home is that smart when I get to be that age … although, some people say that dementia is just parent’s vengeance for all the trouble you cause during your teenage years.

The best teachers in this world never truly answer questions with statements and the best students never ask questions without having a possible answer …

… aaaaaannd, your thinking: What the hell does that mean?

Well, the 2 most influential teachers in my life taught me those key concepts and, as much as possible, I use them in all the courses and seminars I teach. You see, one person who I learned a lot from never gave me a straight out answer — she always would answer my questions with a question that would help me to connect things in my own mind in order to better understand and relate to the lessons she was teaching. On the flip-side, the second person who taught me a great deal in life never allowed me to ask a question without at least having a guess as to what I thought the answer might be.

In both of these cases I learned the real essence of learning:

Honest Curiosity

Looking for the answer you want to find — deciding what you expect the answer to be and then only seeking information to support your beliefs — is not being honest to the true answer. In the same sense, asking random questions about things which you have no basic knowledge or understanding is useless (kinda like asking the someone to explain trigonometry without even a basic ability to do math) — it’s not being honest to your true level of curiosity.

… and IMHO, the best teachers in the world instill a sense of honest curiosity in their students! (which is part of my never ending quest as an NLP Trainer)

With those thoughts in mind I wanted to share a little inspirational story from a cool website, Zen Moments:

The post was titled My favorite Liar (click the title to go to the original article), and the basic story was as such …

A guy had a professor in college that added an interesting twist to his lectures — it was boring subject so on the first day of class he explained that during every class he would teach one lie and it was the students’ job to catch him in his lie.

At first the lies were easy to spot and students would immediately spot them and raise their hands to question the validity of his statements. When he was caught he’d cross that part out on the board and congratulate them on catching the lie.

As time went on the lies became more subtle and it would take students longer to find them and often it would be only a handful who would question something that was explained a bit earlier in the lecture … until, eventually the professor was able to get through the whole class and no one had caught the lie.

When that happened he would joyfully tell the students that he succeeded and that there was an error somewhere in their notes which they would need to discuss among themselves and present their arguments at the next class. Soon the students had begun to form study groups and had to really dig to determine what lie he had taught them in the previous class ..

… until one day when the students were presenting their thoughts and he simply kept proving them wrong. After the students had exhausted all their possible guesses … the professor said: Do you remember the first lecture – how I said that ‘every lecture has a lie?’ … well, that was a lie. My previous lecture was completely on the level. But I am glad you reviewed your notes rigorously this weekend – a lot of it will be on the final. Moving on …

So, what did that professor teach those students above and beyond the class material? … what was his real legacy as an instructor? — All those students learned:

• ‘Experts’ can be wrong, even when they say things that sound right – so build a habit of evaluating new information and check it against things you already accept as fact. (this goes for seemingly ‘Honest’ truth tellers who often keep confirming that ‘they are hiding nothing’ … are they trying to convince their readers or themselves?)
• If you see something wrong, take the initiative to flag it as misinformation … when things don’t add up, look for the pieces that are missing — having only 1 or 2 pieces of a puzzle will never show you the whole picture (this also applies to singular facts or statements that have been taken out of context)
• A sense of playfulness is the best defense against taking yourself too seriously — everyone makes mistakes and when we do or say something in error there will always be people who will jump on that fact as a way to drag you down and discredit you … don’t take yourself too seriously and you won’t take their comments too seriously either (… and if you don’t take those people who fixate only on mistakes seriously, then no one else will either — accept your errors but focus on your successes so others will do the same)

… something to make you go Hmmmmm…

What the hell is wrong with people on twitter who promote themselves as NLP practitioners and trainers?

I mean, one of the base key elements of NLP is the knowledge that every person on the planet has their very own individualized mental map of how life works … we each have thoughts and memories that help us relate to new experiences! So, can someone please explain to me what all these so called ‘NLP Gurus’ on twitter are doing when they have everything completely automated??

Seriously, what the hell do you need to be thinking? — Sending out an automated response to a new followers to say thanks and ‘hey, connect with me on Facebook, too!‘ … or, setting up automated tweets that quote some famous person … yeah, that totally makes me feel connected wit’ ya there bud! … and the forever on-going tweets about ‘check this out!‘ and ‘I can’t believe I’m giving this away!‘ with short-links — are you a complete fukcing idiot?! … did your NLP trainer teach you nothing, you nim-rod?

If you want to get people to trust you and buy from you in this day and age then social media is an opportunity for NLPers to get inside other people’s way of thinking … to find out what they need & want … and to customize what you offer to make sure it will give your clients and customers exactly what they’re looking for! But, most of all, things like twitter and facebook are made to connect with people (not just sell to them!) … it’s about building trust … by being [and I know this may sound completely crazy!] genuinely interested those other people!

So, to all my fellow NLPers in the world … in fact, to everybody — try asking people questions or responding to theirs … who knows, you might actually engage the other person in a kind of interaction beyond online gaming!

As many of my friends know, I read web comics daily — they are what make up a solid 5 minutes of pleasure in my day (no matter what kind of day I’m having) — and one of them is the online comic Sinfest by Tatsuya Ishida. Over the last 3 weeks he’s done a plot line that I believe really explains the process of depressing and I’ve decided to share … (please feel encouraged to click on any of the images to go directly to the actual web comic!)

WARNING!!! This post contains language & humor of an adult nature –
NSFW — reader discretion is advised!!!

To begin, the process of depressing starts with trying to stop caring … whether it’s because you’re too overwhelmed with life or you’ve just gotten sick and tired of constantly failing at things, everything starts with giving up on living (and not giving up on “giving up” as I explained in my post Abandon Hope All Ye Who Are Depressed) — depressors use depression as a way to protect themselves from being hurt by loss and failure, but the problem is it’s like emo kids who dress all goth in order to be different than everyone else — they all look the same! People with depression are just Buddhist posers — they give up trying but still feel bad for failing … the true goal is to give up feeling good or bad for success or failure and just keep doing.

… giving up in an unhealthy way, however, only leads to an ongoing downward spiral …

… into …

… which is where the depressing mind constantly tortures itself with memories of experiences filled with shame, guilt, anger, fear, hurt, sadness, loss, etc. …

… and the worst is that usually a person will face these inner demons alone — never telling their friends about what’s going on … the negative thoughts and feelings … never sharing the pain for fear of causing suffering for others — that’s why so many people with depression will sabotage relationships and push the people they love away … to protect those they love from the suffering which they believe they must face (and solve) on their own …

… and so, the ongoing despair will eventually take hold and become a way of life — always seeing the bad and never taking pleasure in anything positive …

… but! … there is occasionally that one person whom a depressed person hasn’t pushed away far enough … one person (or pet) who knows the kind of person they truly can be — filled with joy and love for life …

… that one person (or pet) who cares enough to search for them … to look beyond the fake smiles and lies about “just being a little tired” (all the time!) …

… however! … that one person (or pet) needs others that they can rely on … friends whom they can turn to for support … to give them the energy to keep fighting to help their friend and loved one who suffers in silence …

… and when they confront that dark and gloomy person it may not be pretty … and it may not be an easy fight …

… trying to remind them of all the things worth living for … to find that one true thing that matters enough to give them the will to keep trying …

… and it may not be just one thing either … it may be necessary for them to remember ALL those things in combination … wrapped up into one existence … although, sometimes it can be just one thing … something as simple as human contact … like a hug … a small gesture to show them that they matter to someone …

… even then, the fight isn’t over … in that stage of depression the person usually isn’t strong enough to stand alone yet … they may need someone with hope to guide them … to take their hand and lead them … tell them what to do … to get up … to eat … small steps … to keep fighting … to keep working toward their dreams … to give them a direction …

… only then will they be able to begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel … to start believing in hope once again … to start walking on their own in life … (at least until the next time they stumble).

It may not exactly like that for everyone who suffers from depression, but I think that’s a pretty good generalization to give you an idea of what the cycle looks like … with some really cute visual representations too. 

As many of you know, NLP was designed as a tool for modeling personal excellence … one key component of which is learning to incorporate the right non-verbal cues into your behavior patterns.

Now, as all my NLP students know, as an NLP coach or counselor you don’t actually do anything — you simply listen, guide and help people uncover, create, develop and install the new thought patterns they need in order to overcome limitations and succeed. To do this effectively it’s necessary to be able to utilize highly advanced super-keen sensory awareness skills! … but where does one learn such things? — from studying nature of course! (after all, NLP is all based entirely on behavioral patterns that naturally occur in every human being … and, apparently, non-human beings as well …

… hmmmm … I think doggy seems to do a pretty good impression of me in a coaching session.

The Karate Kid has been remade for the new generation and is set to be released in June of 2010, starring Jackie Chan as Mr. Han — this new film’s “Mr. Miyagi.” Having viewed the trailers, however, it seems obvious that the basic premise remains the same.

For anyone unfamiliar with the original Karate Kid from 1984, Mr. Miyagi was the wise old master who taught the kid karate. Most notably, Mr. Miyagi was famous for giving the kid “chores” to do in return for teaching him to fight back against the local bullies. What wasn’t apparent at first was that the chores he was doing were actually techniques he would use in the act of self defense.

In the field of Neuro Linguistic Programming this is a very simplified (and direct) form of “Mapping.” The process of mapping in NLP is a way to transfer a skill or ability (along with the mental strategy/behavioral pattern) from one context to another. The key secret within using mapping in Mr. Miyagi’s style of teaching karate was to avoid the negative feelings one often feels in the process of learning — that sense of shame that comes with becoming consciously aware of one’s own incompetence.

As a person progresses through the learning cycle of Unconscious Incompetence to Conscious Incompetence to Conscious Competence to Unconscious Competence, many kids will experience feelings of embarrassment and low self-esteem when they first try something and find they are unable to do it as easily, as effortlessly, and as well as the teacher (or as well as other students). However, for everyone who has seen the original Karate Kid movie, you’ll remember that the kid did things like painting a fence, waxing cars, sanding a deck and painting Mr. Miyagi’s fence. The physical movements of these tasks were then mapped across to the context of martial arts in the form of karate blocks.

Now, if you broaden the definition of “behaviors” to include things such as mental and emotional states, beliefs, decision making, learning, understanding, creativity, etc. it becomes possible to map neuro linguistic patterns across almost any context. If you are unable to find creative solutions easily and effortlessly at work, but you can solve logic puzzles in internet flash games, then NLP allows you to map that mental strategy from games to work — without the need to go through the process of unconscious incompetence or conscious competence. The same applies to things like believing you can do something (i.e. confidence). Your trust and belief in your abilities can be mapped across to other situations where you know everything you need to know, but you suffer from fear of failure.

Mapping does have limits, however. The concern is that whatever you are mapping requires you to have ALL the pieces. Just because you can confidently operate a car doesn’t mean you can simply map those skills across and suddenly be able to fly a fighter jet. The key is to take something you know and apply it to things you already have the knowledge to do. In the case of Karate Kid, Mr. Miyagi wasn’t teaching the kid to paint a fence; he was making sure he had the competence of painting a fence. Only then could he be certain it would map across to karate — all the movements, skills, and abilities used in working with the paint brush were identical to the movements, skills, and abilities to do that form of block in karate.

How many inherent skills do YOU have that you don’t even realize yet? What else do you think you could accomplish if you figured out the skills you already have, and applied them to something new? The process of figuring out HOW you do things, as well as how to use them in other situations, is a large part of any good NLP Practitioner training program.

Perhaps it’s possible… you may already know how to catch a fly with chopsticks.

As most people know, a personal blog originated as a public journal kept on the internet … web + log = blog …

Now, with the availability of You Tube and such, people have begun doing vlogs, which are blogs in video format … video + blog = vlog …

Some people feel this turn of events is one more cheezy form of internet tackiness, however, as a person who is camera shy it’s been constantly brought to my attention that I need more ‘face time’ with my fans — the reason being, with the launch of my new book and high hopes of selling 100,000 copies I’m going to be needing to do promotion … which is going to involve radio and tv. This means I need to get over my fear of film … (*gulp*) … so, I have one of my first vlogs from my Verbal Self Defense website (www.VerbalDefenseTactics.com):

Curiously, one side note I’d like to mention is regarding something Dean Hunt said on his blog late last year …

‘The money is where the fear is.’

… and I really liked that quote. What Dean meant was that the people who get paid the most are the ones who do the things most people are afraid to do … like (in my case) public speaking. Teaching NLP certification courses is more than sharing information … it’s the confidence of putting one’s own ability on the line and stepping up … so here I go (again)!

  Oh yeah! That’s me beh-beh! (*little dance of joy*)

I’ve been thinking about doing some promotional stuff for my new book … maybe some You Tube videos and such. Since NLP is really based on behavioral modeling I’ve been looking for ways to model all the viral videos that are out there — and there seems to be a LOT of them!

It’s difficult to determine what the right set of components are in order to meet all the criteria needed to make my ads a phenomenal success; music, action, simplicity, humour, emotion, etc., etc., etc. It’s just all so much to figure out.

Instead I’ve decided to see if I can find an expert who I can model — what do you think of this guy as a good standard of personal excellence for my book promotion ideas …