Scion of NLP

Archive for the ‘My Opinions’ Category

So, there has been a lot happening in my own life recently, as well as in the lives of those people closest to me, and all the stress, chaos, & misfortune have taken a huge toll on my faith in any unending joy of life, in the belief of that our universe has unlimited abundance, and in the ‘love’ inherent within all of mankind — all of these things I have begun to believe in less and less every day. This ongoing constant barrage of problems, issues, attacks, and setbacks have done a lot to feed that part deep in the back of my mind where my depression lays sleeping and dormant … allowing it to grow stronger and stronger … stirring it to wake.

With all these external issues and incidents, combined with the strengthening of my own negative thought habits, it’s no surprise that discussions in my home have often turned to the ‘pointlessness of life.’ In several of the more recent conversations my girlfriend, Jodie, and I have talked extensively about the Depressing Mind and how it works … and I’ve learned a lot through trying to explain it to someone who can’t relate (and when I say can’t relate I mean totally-opposite-end-of-the-spectrum unable to understand — Jodie is the pollyanna to my jaded darkness).

After all of our talks one very simple explanation of what a Depressing Mindset looks like finally came to light in the form of a metaphor:

If you think of a person as having an internal balancing scale that weighs the good experiences of life against the bad ones, then you can think of human perception as being a type of sorting machine. As events enter a person’s awareness they are sorted to one side or the other — sorted into things that bring the person good feelings (ex. happy, joy, love, humor, excitement, compassion, etc.) and the things that create bad feelings (ex. anger, frustration, hate, fear, sadness, guilt, etc.).

Now, for a normal person that sorting machine is usually somewhat balanced. Occasionally it might be a bit sensitive — the spring would too tight or too loose — in certain contexts or with certain people, but for the most part of life it’s normally quite balanced. Overall, the majority of experiences in the person’s life will fall onto the positive side of the scale, making them feel their life is fairly good.

In a person who is afflicted with depression the whole process is exactly the same, except for one small difference … the sorting machine is broken. Whether it’s because of a chemical imbalance in the brain or simply unhealthy thinking patterns, the little metal sorting arm is twisted and bent out of shape. The result is that even when events ‘should’ be sorted as being positive/pleasurable experiences, some of them accidentally fall onto the negative side of the scale.

A good example of this kind of mistaken sorting in the mind of a depressed person would be the idea of Family and Loved Ones — where the average person might experience these people as being a positive part of their life that bring them joy because of the good feelings they bring (having a positive effect on their life), a person with the depressing mind will only see how they are unable to support and take care of their family and loved ones (having a negative effect on their personal identity and their ability to create a good life). In this way the depression is able to twist almost any life experience (no matter how great it might be) to be proof that life sucks and truly isn’t worth living!

Being a behavior modification coach who specializes in helping people change habits of depression I’ve become more and more aware that there are a lot of things I can offer people who are dealing with depression — I have learned dozens of skills and techniques that can help anyone combat the standard patterns of depression (both thoughts and behaviors) … and yet, those are not the things I want to share most! Those, I’ve discovered, aren’t the things people with depression need most.

As someone who’s faced the demons of depression, fought the battle against the beasts, and has come to terms with the fact that for the rest of my life I will have to work to keep them caged, I’ve learned a lot of things along the way. I know of something that can be more important than actually addressing all those causes of one’s depression — it’s the people who enable those unhealthy habits! In fact, it’s often the people closest to a depression sufferer who shackle them with expectations of negative thought patterns and perceptions.

Ironically, those are the same people who usually judge the person for their pessimistic attitude toward life. Their constant belittling of and accusations about the person’s ongoing lethargic behavior and melancholy comments can be that one extra weight on their already fragile psyche that simply pushes them into thoughts of suicide!

So, I’ve decided I need to do something about that issue! Yes! I’m letting people know that as of January/February (during my ‘winter blues’ period) I have started writing a new book focused on explaining depression to those people who just can’t seem to understand. Anyone who has lived with depression knows exactly what I’m talking about — those people who have at least told them once to just;

• … suck it up and quit whining! Everybody has problems.
• … cheer up — you’re such a downer all the time!
• … let it go — it’s not that big of a deal.
• … stop worrying so much.

– and, no matter how you’ve tried to explain it to them, they just can’t quite wrap their mind around the concept that it’s simply not quite that easy (even with proper help/training/medication). More or less the book will be about what a goes on in the mind of a person with depression and what they must deal with on a daily basis.

Here’s a depressing fact to think about:

As I’ve calculated from my own personal past experience (and have had a handful of my own coaching clients have agreed with) … it’s likely that, on average, when a person who has suffered with depression for a long time is in an up-beat and happy mood they will only have the thought, *I wish I were dead.* about 170 times per day.

In comparison, during a time when that same person is entrenched deep within a terrible bout of depression — i.e. in bed with the covers pulled over their head — the thought, *I wish I were dead.* can potentially run through their mind up to as much as 5 times every minute … which is about 300 times per hour … meaning that, if they lay in bed all day, it’s likely a person with sever depression could wish they were dead well over 2000 times in one day! (OMFG! Talk about a Law of Attraction Epic Fail!)

If you’d like to get a better idea of what the basic premise of the book will be about you can check out the post I did on www.drdansays.com ‘Why did daddy kill himself?’

Well … it’s July 1st once again and this is the day all us Canucks of the Great White North celebrate Canada Day (previous called Dominion Day) — the birthday of the founding of our great nation Canada!

Yes, I said ‘nation’ … no, we’re not the 51st state.

Now, I’ve been doing some thinking and it’s well known around the world that the United States of America celebrate their Independence Day on July 4th …

… so, here’s my idea —

I believe that our 2 great nations should join forces in our celebration efforts and, together, declare the dates July 1st – 4th (inclusive) as a new international federal holiday …

North America Independence-Dominion Week!

… and, as such, all 4 days should be a statutory holiday where we party all week and (taking inspiration from the Irish and their St. Patrick’s Day festivities) I think the whole week should be commemorated with Olympic style drinking games between our 2 fine nations! … oh, hell — let’s invite Mexico too (… those amigos make some damn good tequila!)

So … who’s with me?

Who shall throw back the first shot of Cuervo in an opening ceremony to bring our nations together in this fantastic new fun-fest? Rise up my fellow North Americans … take to the streets … it’s time to take the concept of Mardi Gras to a whole new level! Call out your politicians — demand this phenomenal new holiday be founded in your nation today … come together … party … drink … puke … wake up .. and, feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck, swear off alcohol forever and ever … or at least until next year.

It may take some pressure on each of our governments to enact my idea and pass it into legislation … so, in the meantime …

Party On CANADA! — YOU ROCK!

The best teachers in this world never truly answer questions with statements and the best students never ask questions without having a possible answer …

… aaaaaannd, your thinking: What the hell does that mean?

Well, the 2 most influential teachers in my life taught me those key concepts and, as much as possible, I use them in all the courses and seminars I teach. You see, one person who I learned a lot from never gave me a straight out answer — she always would answer my questions with a question that would help me to connect things in my own mind in order to better understand and relate to the lessons she was teaching. On the flip-side, the second person who taught me a great deal in life never allowed me to ask a question without at least having a guess as to what I thought the answer might be.

In both of these cases I learned the real essence of learning:

Honest Curiosity

Looking for the answer you want to find — deciding what you expect the answer to be and then only seeking information to support your beliefs — is not being honest to the true answer. In the same sense, asking random questions about things which you have no basic knowledge or understanding is useless (kinda like asking the someone to explain trigonometry without even a basic ability to do math) — it’s not being honest to your true level of curiosity.

… and IMHO, the best teachers in the world instill a sense of honest curiosity in their students! (which is part of my never ending quest as an NLP Trainer)

With those thoughts in mind I wanted to share a little inspirational story from a cool website, Zen Moments:

The post was titled My favorite Liar (click the title to go to the original article), and the basic story was as such …

A guy had a professor in college that added an interesting twist to his lectures — it was boring subject so on the first day of class he explained that during every class he would teach one lie and it was the students’ job to catch him in his lie.

At first the lies were easy to spot and students would immediately spot them and raise their hands to question the validity of his statements. When he was caught he’d cross that part out on the board and congratulate them on catching the lie.

As time went on the lies became more subtle and it would take students longer to find them and often it would be only a handful who would question something that was explained a bit earlier in the lecture … until, eventually the professor was able to get through the whole class and no one had caught the lie.

When that happened he would joyfully tell the students that he succeeded and that there was an error somewhere in their notes which they would need to discuss among themselves and present their arguments at the next class. Soon the students had begun to form study groups and had to really dig to determine what lie he had taught them in the previous class ..

… until one day when the students were presenting their thoughts and he simply kept proving them wrong. After the students had exhausted all their possible guesses … the professor said: Do you remember the first lecture – how I said that ‘every lecture has a lie?’ … well, that was a lie. My previous lecture was completely on the level. But I am glad you reviewed your notes rigorously this weekend – a lot of it will be on the final. Moving on …

So, what did that professor teach those students above and beyond the class material? … what was his real legacy as an instructor? — All those students learned:

• ‘Experts’ can be wrong, even when they say things that sound right – so build a habit of evaluating new information and check it against things you already accept as fact. (this goes for seemingly ‘Honest’ truth tellers who often keep confirming that ‘they are hiding nothing’ … are they trying to convince their readers or themselves?)
• If you see something wrong, take the initiative to flag it as misinformation … when things don’t add up, look for the pieces that are missing — having only 1 or 2 pieces of a puzzle will never show you the whole picture (this also applies to singular facts or statements that have been taken out of context)
• A sense of playfulness is the best defense against taking yourself too seriously — everyone makes mistakes and when we do or say something in error there will always be people who will jump on that fact as a way to drag you down and discredit you … don’t take yourself too seriously and you won’t take their comments too seriously either (… and if you don’t take those people who fixate only on mistakes seriously, then no one else will either — accept your errors but focus on your successes so others will do the same)

… something to make you go Hmmmmm…

A woman I know told me the story of how she baked cupcakes for her granddaughter’s 7th birthday. When she arrived with a big container filled with cupcakes the young girl came running to the door and excitedly asked, “What is it?”

“It’s cupcakes for your birthday party, sweetheart.” the woman replied.

The little girl’s face dropped and glumly she said, “Oh.” Then, taking the container from her grandma, the little girl let out a big sigh and sadly carried the cupcakes toward the kitchen.

As the grandmother and the girl’s mother talked at the dining room table they suddenly heard the little girl squeal with delight from the kitchen and watched as she came running in to them. Bouncing with joy the child exclaimed, “Sprinkles! They have sprinkles all over them!”

“What?” asked the mom, “There are sprinkles all over what, dear?”

“The cupcakes! The cupcakes that grandma brought!” cried the little girl.

After giving her grandma a giant hug the little girl excitedly awaited the he childhood party guests, and as each one arrived she dragged them to the kitchen saying, “Come see! You gotta see! Grandma made cupcakes and they have sprinkles all over them!”

As the old woman sipped her drink and told me the story she added, “And they were completely an accident — I never meant to put them on, but then when I saw them in the cupboard I decided at the last minute to toss some sprinkles on them just for fun.” With a smile she added, “And now I’m sure glad I did!”

We talked a while longer and agreed — life is truly all about the sprinkles … and that little girl knew it!

There are gonna be things in life that suck — that aren’t exactly the way we wish they were … but, from time to time, there are gonna be little things along the way that make us smile. Those are the things we need to focus on and be happy about — this journey we call life is really about taking pleasure and finding excitement in the little sprinkles that make you smile along the way.

(*sigh*) Sometimes the toughest thing to do in this world is stand by and watch as ‘injustice’ happens … but deciding to do nothing in some cases is simply the best option to choose.

As many of my readers know, a base concept of NLP is that everyone has their own model of the world — their own way of thinking how the world works — and many of us support every person’s right to have their own point of view on things. That sometimes also includes their own way of doing things … especially their own things.

I remember many years ago, the Aikido dojo where I trained (and occasionally taught beginner classes) had one high ranking student whom everyone complained about. I would have endless numbers of lower ranking students talk about how he was ‘too rough’ and they often asked why nothing was done about it. At one point they even asked me as a higher ranking student to take their concerns to the dojo Sensei … and I did. [BTW, just a little FYI for any Aikidoka out there -- the dojo Sempai is the one who is supposed to deal with issues of etiquette in the dojo ... not the Sensei ... so don't go straight to the Head Instructor before you talk to the Head Student]

What was the end result? … when the issue was brought out in the open no one would stand up and support my claims — and I ended up looking like I was holding a personal grudge or something … the result being I was disciplined for my ‘false’ accusations.

Now, skip ahead to today … a family friend of mine is going through some real tough times right now, and to make things worse, the whole world has begun to turn on her and her family — having suffered a personal tragedy she originally went to the media in order to get the police to take her case seriously … and now that they are, she’s happy to move on … but it is no longer that easy.

I watch helplessly from the sidelines as her family are verbally bullied and attacked … and they do nothing. Even in the face of all the proverbial mud-slinging the family has chosen to take the high road … refusing to fight back … allowing all the internet crazies out there stir up more and more trouble for all of them — and no matter how upsetting it might be it’s not my place to fight her battles for her (although I’d be happy to help if she asked … and even tried a little too) … I must constantly remind myself that it’s not my place.

Sometimes the toughest thing to do in this world is see something that you can’t comprehend and– even though you don’t know what to think or say or do — you wonder if maybe you should possibly do something about it? … or do you just leave it? …

… and in the end I’ve learned that it’s really not my place (especially as an NLPer) to judge the choices of others … whether or not it’s ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in my own model of the world … whether or not it’s the way I would do things … sometimes, I’ve learned, the best thing to do when you see something that you may or may not consider to be ‘injustice’ is to simply do your best to accept what is and just let it go …

What the hell is wrong with people on twitter who promote themselves as NLP practitioners and trainers?

I mean, one of the base key elements of NLP is the knowledge that every person on the planet has their very own individualized mental map of how life works … we each have thoughts and memories that help us relate to new experiences! So, can someone please explain to me what all these so called ‘NLP Gurus’ on twitter are doing when they have everything completely automated??

Seriously, what the hell do you need to be thinking? — Sending out an automated response to a new followers to say thanks and ‘hey, connect with me on Facebook, too!‘ … or, setting up automated tweets that quote some famous person … yeah, that totally makes me feel connected wit’ ya there bud! … and the forever on-going tweets about ‘check this out!‘ and ‘I can’t believe I’m giving this away!‘ with short-links — are you a complete fukcing idiot?! … did your NLP trainer teach you nothing, you nim-rod?

If you want to get people to trust you and buy from you in this day and age then social media is an opportunity for NLPers to get inside other people’s way of thinking … to find out what they need & want … and to customize what you offer to make sure it will give your clients and customers exactly what they’re looking for! But, most of all, things like twitter and facebook are made to connect with people (not just sell to them!) … it’s about building trust … by being [and I know this may sound completely crazy!] genuinely interested those other people!

So, to all my fellow NLPers in the world … in fact, to everybody — try asking people questions or responding to theirs … who knows, you might actually engage the other person in a kind of interaction beyond online gaming!

Movies can sometimes be a great escape from reality in the sense that it takes you away from the pressing anxieties and worries of your everyday life and submerses you into a whole different world… but it’s not real.

Some movies are even based on real life events and, although we can imagine it happening to the characters in the movie, that would never happen in your life… so it doesn’t actually feel real.

Some movies make us laugh … some make us cry … and others scare the living shit out of us — but they aren’t real!

… but they can be …

I was forced to think about something that left me chilled to the bone recently — forced to face the question we never want to consider … ‘what if it was my family?’

If you haven’t been following the news recently there is a guy who went missing back in February of this year and, even though his family had all reported him missing, he was never found … in fact, because he was over 25 years old he wasn’t even really a priority. Not until he was finally returned to his family several weeks ago …

His mother received that call we all dread … it was the hospital in a city 2 provinces away … and her son was no longer missing. He had been dropped off at the emergency room barely alive. After weeks in intensive care he was finally taken off life support and he was able to breath on his own … but it wasn’t all good news …

… he had been beaten, tortured, repeatedly suffocated, stabbed, cut, and mutilated repeatedly over several months.

This was real life…

These are people I know!

… and then it hit me! — My son turned 10 years old this year and I stopped to think for a moment … what if this ever happened to him? If he had been brutally disfigured and slowly tortured over and over and over … the fear he would feel … the pleading he would do for his life … the prayers he’d offer to be allowed to die … what if?

These are people just like you and me … living in free country where stuff like this doesn’t happen, right? This guy was once 10 years old too … filled with all the wonder and hopes that childhood offers … never once imagining a future so dark and terrifying …

I stopped to imagine if it was my own child … and it filled me with terror, anguish, fear, sadness and rage …

For some of you this is just some words written on some guys blog somewhere in far, far away — just another world event … for some of you this is something that you can imagine would quite horrific for the family that it happened to … but it’ll never happen to you, right?

For everyone else who actually feels what I felt, please visit:

www.DustinLaFortune.com

or click this link to join the Facebook group:

In Support of Dustin LaFortune

Okay… so I’ve noticed a few discussion on wordpress forums about “rating” your blog — and let’s be clear here… this is my personal blog, in no way business related like my other websites — and people seem to be getting concerned about identifying a blog’s suitability for younger readers…

…so I have decided to take a moment to be absolutely up front about how appropriate my personal blog is for the general public — and my suggestion is: IT”S NOT!

Yep, that’s right, I’m telling you … my loyal readers … that this blog is set at an R rating! There are several reasons for this:

• first, this is my personal blog … a place where I can let my hair down (metaphorically speaking since I’m bald) and give my honest opinion and advice about topics ranging from depression and suicide to web comics and NLP jokes.
• there are too many people on the planet and no matter who you are or what you say you’re going to upset somebody somewhere … it’s just a fact, and I can’t censor my posts to be acceptable to everyone because I wouldn’t be able to say anything then … and even that would upset people against censorship!
• although this is an NLP related blog that has a tendency to focus on dealing with depression, the truth is that in everyday language that people use include profanity and inappropriate comments or things that can be construed in a bad way … and I write the way I speak, think and live — no holds barred!

Now, I’m not setting forth with the intention to offend people – it’s simply the fact that I don’t filter my blog content the way I do my professional website stuff. There is never gonna be stuff like porn or over-the-top x rated humor or anything like that here… that’s not what this website is meant for!

Rather, this is a place where we can talk about NLP and it’s applications for stuff like depression openly and candidly … and, as a reader of this blog (or subscriber of the rss feed), I feel obligated to warn you that some readers may find the language, humor or topics of discussion here on this website to be inappropriate or offensive!

The language censors are offline and tact has gone completely out the window from this post forward my friends! You have been forewarned … so, be prepared! (*mwha,ha,ha,ha!*)

(No it’s not actually gonna be that bad — just more WTF’s and stupid dumb-ass shit like that.)

My girlfriend has a a little box of cards that teach Latin and I occasionally take a card and read it just to see what old Latin sayings used to be like. Today I was reading one and had a small revelation!

The greatest disconnection is the one between your conscious mind and unconscious mind.

My mentor, Judy Wright, originally taught us in our NLP prac course that, although NLP is a tool for interpersonal communication, the greatest gift NLP gives a person who learns it is the ability to more clearly and effectively pass knowledge, wisdom and experience between one’s own conscious and unconscious mind with minimal filtering.

For most people in the field of NLP it might seem obvious but for anyone considering taking training in it, remember that it’s both a gift and a curse … because once you become fully self aware it can’t be undone (and sometimes ignorance is bliss — especially when it comes to one’s own short comings).

So there ya go — buyer beware … or, in this case, learner beware!