Scion of NLP

Archive for the ‘My Updates’ Category

So, there has been a lot happening in my own life recently, as well as in the lives of those people closest to me, and all the stress, chaos, & misfortune have taken a huge toll on my faith in any unending joy of life, in the belief of that our universe has unlimited abundance, and in the ‘love’ inherent within all of mankind — all of these things I have begun to believe in less and less every day. This ongoing constant barrage of problems, issues, attacks, and setbacks have done a lot to feed that part deep in the back of my mind where my depression lays sleeping and dormant … allowing it to grow stronger and stronger … stirring it to wake.

With all these external issues and incidents, combined with the strengthening of my own negative thought habits, it’s no surprise that discussions in my home have often turned to the ‘pointlessness of life.’ In several of the more recent conversations my girlfriend, Jodie, and I have talked extensively about the Depressing Mind and how it works … and I’ve learned a lot through trying to explain it to someone who can’t relate (and when I say can’t relate I mean totally-opposite-end-of-the-spectrum unable to understand — Jodie is the pollyanna to my jaded darkness).

After all of our talks one very simple explanation of what a Depressing Mindset looks like finally came to light in the form of a metaphor:

If you think of a person as having an internal balancing scale that weighs the good experiences of life against the bad ones, then you can think of human perception as being a type of sorting machine. As events enter a person’s awareness they are sorted to one side or the other — sorted into things that bring the person good feelings (ex. happy, joy, love, humor, excitement, compassion, etc.) and the things that create bad feelings (ex. anger, frustration, hate, fear, sadness, guilt, etc.).

Now, for a normal person that sorting machine is usually somewhat balanced. Occasionally it might be a bit sensitive — the spring would too tight or too loose — in certain contexts or with certain people, but for the most part of life it’s normally quite balanced. Overall, the majority of experiences in the person’s life will fall onto the positive side of the scale, making them feel their life is fairly good.

In a person who is afflicted with depression the whole process is exactly the same, except for one small difference … the sorting machine is broken. Whether it’s because of a chemical imbalance in the brain or simply unhealthy thinking patterns, the little metal sorting arm is twisted and bent out of shape. The result is that even when events ‘should’ be sorted as being positive/pleasurable experiences, some of them accidentally fall onto the negative side of the scale.

A good example of this kind of mistaken sorting in the mind of a depressed person would be the idea of Family and Loved Ones — where the average person might experience these people as being a positive part of their life that bring them joy because of the good feelings they bring (having a positive effect on their life), a person with the depressing mind will only see how they are unable to support and take care of their family and loved ones (having a negative effect on their personal identity and their ability to create a good life). In this way the depression is able to twist almost any life experience (no matter how great it might be) to be proof that life sucks and truly isn’t worth living!

Being a behavior modification coach who specializes in helping people change habits of depression I’ve become more and more aware that there are a lot of things I can offer people who are dealing with depression — I have learned dozens of skills and techniques that can help anyone combat the standard patterns of depression (both thoughts and behaviors) … and yet, those are not the things I want to share most! Those, I’ve discovered, aren’t the things people with depression need most.

As someone who’s faced the demons of depression, fought the battle against the beasts, and has come to terms with the fact that for the rest of my life I will have to work to keep them caged, I’ve learned a lot of things along the way. I know of something that can be more important than actually addressing all those causes of one’s depression — it’s the people who enable those unhealthy habits! In fact, it’s often the people closest to a depression sufferer who shackle them with expectations of negative thought patterns and perceptions.

Ironically, those are the same people who usually judge the person for their pessimistic attitude toward life. Their constant belittling of and accusations about the person’s ongoing lethargic behavior and melancholy comments can be that one extra weight on their already fragile psyche that simply pushes them into thoughts of suicide!

So, I’ve decided I need to do something about that issue! Yes! I’m letting people know that as of January/February (during my ‘winter blues’ period) I have started writing a new book focused on explaining depression to those people who just can’t seem to understand. Anyone who has lived with depression knows exactly what I’m talking about — those people who have at least told them once to just;

• … suck it up and quit whining! Everybody has problems.
• … cheer up — you’re such a downer all the time!
• … let it go — it’s not that big of a deal.
• … stop worrying so much.

– and, no matter how you’ve tried to explain it to them, they just can’t quite wrap their mind around the concept that it’s simply not quite that easy (even with proper help/training/medication). More or less the book will be about what a goes on in the mind of a person with depression and what they must deal with on a daily basis.

Here’s a depressing fact to think about:

As I’ve calculated from my own personal past experience (and have had a handful of my own coaching clients have agreed with) … it’s likely that, on average, when a person who has suffered with depression for a long time is in an up-beat and happy mood they will only have the thought, *I wish I were dead.* about 170 times per day.

In comparison, during a time when that same person is entrenched deep within a terrible bout of depression — i.e. in bed with the covers pulled over their head — the thought, *I wish I were dead.* can potentially run through their mind up to as much as 5 times every minute … which is about 300 times per hour … meaning that, if they lay in bed all day, it’s likely a person with sever depression could wish they were dead well over 2000 times in one day! (OMFG! Talk about a Law of Attraction Epic Fail!)

If you’d like to get a better idea of what the basic premise of the book will be about you can check out the post I did on www.drdansays.com ‘Why did daddy kill himself?’

Boo-ya! It has finally become official — science has proven that my depression skills gives me a mental edge on the pollyannas of the world.

(are you listening Jodie?!)

A study by Australian psychology expert Professor Joe Forgas recently concluded that being in a grumpy mood makes us think more clearly. I choose to interpret this to mean that people who suffer with depression may possibly have a greater ability to make better judgments than the average person — the optimal word there being ‘possibly!’

The recently published article on the BBC News website — Feeling Grumpy ‘is good for you’ — says “Those in a bad mood outperformed those who were jolly — they made fewer mistakes and were better communicators.” Professor Forgas’ explanation for this is: “Whereas positive mood seems to promote creativity, flexibility, co-operation and reliance on mental shortcuts, negative moods trigger more attentive, careful thinking, paying greater attention to the external world.”

I know you’re probably thinking, ‘How the Hell Does That Work?‘

Well, the theory behind this concept is quite simple actually — more or less the idea is that a person who is looking for the ways things can potentially fail, the better chance they have of being prepared for anything that will go wrong along the way. This ‘Eeyore’ kind of mindset, however, does hold its own potential for problems.

A person who has the true power of depression must walk a razor’s edge — always on guard, wary of going too far!

You see, depression (or, as Forgas refers to it, being grumpy) is not a thought process in itself. These are better described as emotions, attitudes or, as NLP calls them, states of mind. As a state of mind it can best be compared to a filter on one’s awareness — a certain way of focusing a person’s attention on specific elements within their perception … looking to see things in a way that will most make sense with their negative attitude about things.

The biggest difference is, where being grumpy is about a certain context or situation, being depressed is a negative attitude towards overall life in general and, although it can sometimes help you think more objectively about things, too much negativity can be just as bad as being too positive. If being too pollyanna makes one gullible then being too grumpy makes one pessimistic, demotivated, and prone to self-sabotage.

It’s one of those kinds of dreams you’ll never forget … I’ve only had a few of them in my life … however, this is one had a profound metaphorical meaning:

I was running … the most vivid thing is I remember I was running … as fast and as hard as I could — through empty streets in an abandoned city … I was fleeing from something … running for my very life! I could feel my heartbeat and hear the rasping of every breath screaming in my ears. I didn’t know what I was running from but I knew it was something big … something darker than pitch black … something that chased me without tiring … knowing where I was and coming straight for me … always!

There were a few close calls — narrow escapes where I was able to duck, dodge, spin, change direction and wheel out of its grasp at the last possible second … barely getting away. It had no form … nothing about it was solid … its touch was like ice … and I could feel it rear up just before it would lunge for me!

I was getting tired … and the only thoughts I remember having were:

• What happened to everyone? Why am I all alone? Where is everybody?
• What the hell is that thing? What am I gonna do?
• I’m getting too tired — I can’t run much more — I need to find somewhere to hide!

It was during that last thought … after I had just ducked in and around and out of an alleyway littered with boxes, trash cans and an old car … that’s when I came around a corner and, since I was out of line of sight from my pursuer, I scrambled into a tall building through a broken glass door. Next thing I was running up a stairwell … it was dark and I was taking the stairs 2 at a time … and I heard it … down below me … coming … coming to get me …

In my mind I pictured being on the roof holding the door closed against the darkness that chased me … and the last thought I had was: If I can just make it to the roof I can–

That’s when it took me … full on … first it seized my foot in mid step and then, before I even had a chance to fall, it grabbed me from behind and enveloped me! — it was black all around me … no thoughts existed … all I could feel was my lungs — my chest would not rise and fall — I couldn’t breathe! The sensation of panic quickly overcame me just before the end …

… and that’s when I woke up — I sat bolt upright in bed … a silent scream still caught in my throat … sweat dripping off my entire body …

When you live with depression as a part of your life (and you get good at recognizing it) you can learn how to feel when it’s coming … like a monster from your nightmares stalking you — you can’t see it … you have no idea where it will come from or when it will attack … but you’ll know when it’s there … hiding … skirting around the edges of the light … empty eyes in the darkness watching you … waiting for something to go wrong before –

But, even when you can recognize its approach … even when you know how to fight it … sometimes the most difficult part of war is to choose the right battlefield — to pick the battleground which offers you the greatest advantages over your enemy.

My one piece of advice for anyone who battles the inner bully of depressing habits — although internet support groups, web comics, and websites filled with useful advice are helpful … they are a terrible place to make a stand!

Like fighting an uphill battle on an icy slope in a snow storm, the anonymity of your suffering maximizes the risk that you will eventually find yourself without support when you need it most! Instead, anchor yourself in reality — real life relationships — which should only be accented by online help … remember my young padawans: Use the internet like a weapon, but do not let it be your entire arsenal!

Well … it’s July 1st once again and this is the day all us Canucks of the Great White North celebrate Canada Day (previous called Dominion Day) — the birthday of the founding of our great nation Canada!

Yes, I said ‘nation’ … no, we’re not the 51st state.

Now, I’ve been doing some thinking and it’s well known around the world that the United States of America celebrate their Independence Day on July 4th …

… so, here’s my idea —

I believe that our 2 great nations should join forces in our celebration efforts and, together, declare the dates July 1st – 4th (inclusive) as a new international federal holiday …

North America Independence-Dominion Week!

… and, as such, all 4 days should be a statutory holiday where we party all week and (taking inspiration from the Irish and their St. Patrick’s Day festivities) I think the whole week should be commemorated with Olympic style drinking games between our 2 fine nations! … oh, hell — let’s invite Mexico too (… those amigos make some damn good tequila!)

So … who’s with me?

Who shall throw back the first shot of Cuervo in an opening ceremony to bring our nations together in this fantastic new fun-fest? Rise up my fellow North Americans … take to the streets … it’s time to take the concept of Mardi Gras to a whole new level! Call out your politicians — demand this phenomenal new holiday be founded in your nation today … come together … party … drink … puke … wake up .. and, feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck, swear off alcohol forever and ever … or at least until next year.

It may take some pressure on each of our governments to enact my idea and pass it into legislation … so, in the meantime …

Party On CANADA! — YOU ROCK!

Okay… so I’ve noticed a few discussion on wordpress forums about “rating” your blog — and let’s be clear here… this is my personal blog, in no way business related like my other websites — and people seem to be getting concerned about identifying a blog’s suitability for younger readers…

…so I have decided to take a moment to be absolutely up front about how appropriate my personal blog is for the general public — and my suggestion is: IT”S NOT!

Yep, that’s right, I’m telling you … my loyal readers … that this blog is set at an R rating! There are several reasons for this:

• first, this is my personal blog … a place where I can let my hair down (metaphorically speaking since I’m bald) and give my honest opinion and advice about topics ranging from depression and suicide to web comics and NLP jokes.
• there are too many people on the planet and no matter who you are or what you say you’re going to upset somebody somewhere … it’s just a fact, and I can’t censor my posts to be acceptable to everyone because I wouldn’t be able to say anything then … and even that would upset people against censorship!
• although this is an NLP related blog that has a tendency to focus on dealing with depression, the truth is that in everyday language that people use include profanity and inappropriate comments or things that can be construed in a bad way … and I write the way I speak, think and live — no holds barred!

Now, I’m not setting forth with the intention to offend people – it’s simply the fact that I don’t filter my blog content the way I do my professional website stuff. There is never gonna be stuff like porn or over-the-top x rated humor or anything like that here… that’s not what this website is meant for!

Rather, this is a place where we can talk about NLP and it’s applications for stuff like depression openly and candidly … and, as a reader of this blog (or subscriber of the rss feed), I feel obligated to warn you that some readers may find the language, humor or topics of discussion here on this website to be inappropriate or offensive!

The language censors are offline and tact has gone completely out the window from this post forward my friends! You have been forewarned … so, be prepared! (*mwha,ha,ha,ha!*)

(No it’s not actually gonna be that bad — just more WTF’s and stupid dumb-ass shit like that.)

I’ve tried to ‘get’ the concept of this social media thing for several weeks (perhaps even months) so I decided it was time to get help from a social media coach (Jodie Gastel of In Jodie’s Brain) and with her help I think I’m finally really beginning to get a bit of a knack for it … or, at least, understand what’s happening … and what I need to do. 

For anybody who’s wondering about social media, and what it entails, I’ll give you a general idea of what it looks like for someone in my position:

Twitter Stuff

Keeping up with twittering means having a finger on the pulse of what’s happening now and responding to people and sharing my opinions and input … times 3 for me — because I’ve got 3 Twitter accounts that need to be kept up at least twice daily:

• @Scion_of_NLP
• @Verbal_Sensei
• @Dr_Dan_Says

Facebook Stuff

Facebook (or LinkedIn or whatever social networking sites you belong to) is all about connecting with people who share your interests. In my case that means I need to be involved with stuff happening on my profile page as well as my fan pages and my group discussions:

• My Facebook Profile
• Soaring Success Fan Page
• Verbal Defense Tactics Fan Page
• My Anti-Bullying Group

Website Updates

In this case I’m working on 5 websites (currently only 4 are ready and working) which need at least a new post/article per week … and yes, I am aware that of late I haven’t been keeping up on my social media responsibilities in this area — I’ve been working on getting my sites backend PHP coding cleaned up so that updates and website upkeep would be more manageable.

• Scion of NLP (my personal blog — this site)
• Soaring Success (the NLP side of business website)
• Verbal Self Defense Tactics (the Verbal Self Defense side of business website)
• Dr. Dan Says (my professional behaviorist site)
• The ‘Un-named’ Site (a website about defense against inappropriate uses of NLP)

Yep… a year ago I’d have said it was a tall order, however, today it’s becoming more and more within my level of skills and abilities. In no time I shall become a true Social Media Jedi (*add in sound effect of swinging light-saber here!*). 

If you have a small business of your own, and you have any hope of building it into a self-sustaining business these days, I strongly recommend finding yourself a social media coach like Jodie — she actually sat beside me and walked me through how to pick and choose what I respond to … what should (and should NOT) be said … all the lingo … everything!

Thank you Jodie! — you soooooo ROCK!

It’s funny that I’ve recently begun re-reading the Tao of Pooh again. So many things we learn and commit to doing … well … it seems that we slowly begin to eventually stop doing them — until one day someone teaches us the old lesson again and we remember that we used to do it all the time … but then we stopped and can’t remember what happened that made us stop.

Almost seems funny when you think about it.

Taoism is about finding happiness in the moment, whatever may be happening (good or bad). That’s something that’s hard to do when filters of depression are shading everything you experience and your mind keeps focusing and dwelling on the crappy things in life.

However, in NLP we say there is no failure, only feedback. This too is sometimes hard to remember when you’re dealing with the crap poop life throws your way. I recently had a chance to sit and talk opening with my partner Jodie and she gave me a metaphor that really helped put things in perspective … and thinking about it has lead to a life lesson that I’m going to take from my recent war on depressing behaviors …

I used to have an NLP colleague who would always phrase everything as if the experience you were having had an intention — for example, if you’re having shoulder pain she’d ask what the pain was trying to tell you (or what your body was trying to teach you). Today I realized what the challenge is that I’m going to take away from the recent stumble my business has had –

Since I’m doing what I know I must in order to make my NLP business a success, the challenge if to maintain the systems, plans and procedures which I’ve established … I gotta keep doing them even through the tough times if I ever plan on making it to the big time.

Now, the only question which remains is …

Can I do it???

  yeah … Thanks … I know I can, too!

To All My Loved Ones,

It was really great to see a couple of you again. I know that when I was on leave from the front lines I wasn’t able to get in touch with everybody but please know that I wanted to — you are all in my heart, forever. Sarge says that if things stay quiet I’ll continue to get even more chances to come visit.

Lately the enemy has been putting less and less effort in fighting back, and when I utilize my NLP-Fu I can usually overpower them in one shot. Granted, this doesn’t mean that life is all better — I’m still back at work full-time does something other than my life’s passion (NLP), my business is still struggling (for the moment), the bank is still breathing down my neck, and I’m still behind on my rent (bless the kind people who have helped out on that one — YOU ROCK! — and I’ll be forever grateful) — but things have changed enough for me to see all those ‘negative’ things as just ‘temporary setbacks’ rather than signs of the impending death of all my life’s hopes and dreams. For the time, I remain in a constant state of numbness in order to stay in control of the rebellious habits that make up the faction of my mind commonly referred to by psychologists as ‘My Depression.’

In no time I expect my energy reserves will be up enough to get back to work on building my NLP career, catching up on paying some of the company’s debts with a second job and expanding my circle of business friends and relations… maybe soon I’ll be ready to even go out and see people again! Boo-ya!

Anyway, as it is, I probably won’t need to send any more letters from the front lines (at least for a while) because I’ll be able to stay in touch with everybody when I’m back home and being my true self (the happy, positive, patient, silly, can-do-anything Daniel that ya’all know and love). It’ll be good to get back to responding to emails, taking phone calls, get’n shit done, and making time to play with my son.

Oh crap! I gotta go everybody — Sarge just gave me a look to remind me I need to get some chow… one of the things all of us on the front lines of depression gotta do each and every day in order to stay in control of those unhealthy habits and negative filters is to eat and exercise — something a lot of the guys and gals out here forget to do — lucky for me that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and NLP gave me the ability to put a well trained Sargeant in charge of my unit, otherwise I’d never choose to do those kinds of things when I’m in the midst of battling anger and angst.

Coming home soon,
Daniel

P.S. Tell my little boy not to fear, he’ll see the real dad I can be again soon.

My Dearest Family and Friends,

Sarge says we might be heading home soon!!! (Hoo-ray!)

Every day the enemy seems to be breaking and running sooner and sooner. Their battle efforts have become more diminished and it’s been getting easier to over-come the onslaught of negative thoughts, ideas and mental images!

I’ve been gone to war for a long time now and this year, right from the beginning, has been a real battle… but we are winning. Some of the other guys and gals say I shouldn’t jinx it by telling you but I’m just so excited that I might get to be myself again soon.

Yeah, things have been sucking lately. That part is still true. When my business lost its main source of income a few months ago everything started going down hill… we used up all our savings to publish the book with hopes it’d save the day but it’s been just too little too late. Hell, I’ll even admit that it was pretty stupid to put all our eggs in one basket like that — but we had so many prospects there was no way it we could fail… however… we did.

Nothing panned out and it was the exact thing the Habits of Depression were waiting for to capitalize on. As I had mentioned in my first letter, their faction really is nothing more than a bunch of anti-positive propaganda filters for the mind… and boy were they able to leverage all the crappy things that went wrong from that point on. They made sure that I felt every tiny little thing that fell through was one more nail in the coffin of all my hopes and dreams. Even when things just faltered a little bit, those bastards were right there to creatively explain how it means I was cursed and doomed to lead an pitiful exists for the rest of my days.

Even now, on the shortwave radio, I can hear them faintly just beyond the drone of static day to day thoughts… propaganda about how it’ll never work… life is cruel… everyone hates you… etc. At first I tried not to listen to them but Sarge taught us how that’s a bad idea — they might be conducive to a happy and positive life, but they still have the best of intentions.

Some of the guys and gals say Sarge is full of shit — they said these negative terrorists which have taken refuge in our unconscious mind are all bad and need to be wiped out. In the end, I think Sarge was right. Originally, these so-called bad filters were just trying to protect us. As a child, when I failed over and over and over and it just hurt so damn much… well, at that point those filters were created as a way to protect myself from the pain of disappointment and loss. I mean, if you never dream of being happy, then you’ll never feel the pain of unhappiness.

Granted, they’ve become the enemy because their zealous attitude of trying to control the whole mind in order to avoid ever feeling of fear, anxiety, pain, hurt, loss, anger, sadness, jealousy, or any of the other unpleasant experiences of life… well, the truth is, now they’re causing those feelings. Those negative filters and bringing about a lot of negative feelings in my world — what once was the cure has now become the poison.

And so, today the battle rages on… but, perhaps I’ll get this uprising of depressing filters under control soon and maybe (just, maybe!) I’ll make home in time for my son’s 10^th birthday! I’ll write again as soon as I know more… until then, remember that I’m thinking of you and you still mean the world to me — each of you! Above all else, please be certain to give my little boy a hugs and kiss and tell him daddy sends his love (but don’t tell him I’m coming yet… I don’t want him to get his hopes up, just in case something happens to bolster the enemy resistence).

All my love,
Daniel