Scion of NLP

So, I’ve been telling everyone who will listen about my desire to share My Personal Story with people — specifically, my NLP Life story — in hopes it will help you better understand your own inner potential (and possibly how to develop it even further).

You might ask “WHY?” … well, because I believe it’s time more people learned how to see the dark little tricks our minds play on us in order to hold us back from the chance of failure, as well as holding us back from any chance we could have for true success!

It was Shakespeare who said: “All the world’s a stage and all the men and women are merely players” … so, in order to keep it quick and easy for you to read I’m going to send just a short, simple few paragraphs each day as I take you through one experience after another … through the metaphor that is my life from darkness into the light …

… As some of you know, my favorite quote has always been from Einstein: “You don’t need to remember everything … you just need to remember where you can find it!” — (which BTW, I tried unsuccessfully to use as an arguement for open book tests in school) well, today I offer up myself and, specifically, the mistakes that taught me to spot this dark little trick of the human mind that holds us back.

But, before I tell you my NLP story, it’s important we have a case study to compare it with … in this situation I have an actual case study of a true story which I’d like to tell you about. This is an actual life story which literally focuses almost entirely on the process through which the mind of a kind, happy, smiling, little toddler can be shifted, changed and tainted in order to end up becoming an angry, cold, suicidal teenager …

… Having introduced the idea around our case study it’s important we recognize not only the perceptions of the boy in question, but how the people in his life saw things as well …

… The original perception was that “a child who grows up in an abusive home will learn to adapt simply because they know no better.” However, that means that a child who knows no better should (if the theory is true) mentally and emotionally accept their current situation as simple reality and not label it as being either good or bad, right?

… WRONG! — in fact, in this case, they were dead wrong!

The baby was the youngest child born into a family of 5 — now, let’s make sure everyone is clear … his mommy wasn’t an alcoholic nor did his daddy beat him … in fact, it was a “normal” family not unlike what most people would expect … and that’s exactly what the child’s point of view came to be as he grew up.

Both his parents were very loving and kind towards him and his 2 older siblings. No … it was a different kind of problem that he faced in this home …

… The problem which the young boy faced in the case study we are looking at was actually very poor physical health … or at least, that’s where it all started.

You see, what the family didn’t know was that this little baby was born with a severe respritory illness that would lead to a life of nightly trips to the hospital (the parents worked full time even though they usually spent 4 out of every 7 nights a week in the hospital with their youngest child) … and endless medical tests and treatments that often involved severe pain and terrifying fear and total isolation.  By the time this little baby was 4 years old he had suffered the kind of traumatic physical, mental and emotional experiences that we usually reserve only for horror movies … and all of this happened with the single-minded intention of keeping him alive!  However, this was only the beginning … there was much worse in store the once happy little toddler …

Most families seem to have their issues in some way or another … some parents have a short temper … sometimes one’s siblings are too rough, hurtful or mean with what they say or do … sometimes children decided simply based on one bad Christmas that they will NEVER be happy … yes, most families grow up experiencing some kind of issue or antoher within the family.

In the case study we’re looking at things are similar in the fact that it was an issue … but it was more than a single, isolated incident that created problems for the boy.  You see, the young lad we’re focusing on here had health issues which lead to his parents to become “over-protective of their weak and ill baby boy” … and this in turn made him even more isolated from life and the fun experiences his friends would all come to enjoy.

All of these things were combined with a more sinister problem running just beneath everything that was happening on the surface …

For the now, little boy in our case study — going to school, having birthday parties, singing in school Christmas pagents — doing the normal things were little victories in his life … not because he got to experience them (no … the truth is that the actual experience of doing these “normal” things were even more terrifying because of the dangers they posed to inducing some kind of respiratory attack which would end in another battery of medical procedures … and he was learning that those procedures only seemed to get worse with each weekly return to the hospital) …

… all these little victories meant only that the boy’s regular daily experiences might, perhaps, be a little less difficult to face — you see, it would mean for him that fewer kids would be taunting and teasing him for a little while … there would be less sitting out and being made to do less fun things (like going to the library instead of gym class) … but these were still all just surface issues … the thing that would finally put an end to his childhood hopes and dreams was something that was hidden behind a smile of kindness and tender hands of love … his mother’s love …

A “NEW” Peanut Allergy Cure – WTF?

As an interesting side note — I myself experienced a childhood health issue that, although now it has become more common, at that time was rare and almost unheard of … I grew up with a severe peanut allergy!  Almost a decade ago I learned the NLP Allergy Cure technique which allowed me to cure that problem.  Recently there have been new reports of medical “breakthroughs” for kids who have a peanut allergy, so I thought it might be interesting to put together a research paper comparing the two … for anyone who is interested, the link to a free PDF copy of the paper is:  http://www.soaringsuccess.ca/allergy-treatment-methods.pdf

Many of us know that children look first to their caregivers as a source of wisdom and knowledge about “how the world works” … and as time goes on, eventually that awareness opens up to include other sources of information … their friends … what they watch on television … etc.

… now, in this case study we’re reviewing, it was no different … where the first hint of darkness lay was hidden within the mother’s behaviors. Although she was caring and kind for the most part, there were times of difficulty and anguish deep within her mind and soul … there were times when the boy’s mother became so internally focused and negative in her thoughts and emotions that her words and facial expressions and tones of voice … all her body language put together with what she said and how she said it turned dangerously hurtful … they left emotional cuts and bruises that would take a lifetime to close (but they would never fully heal) …

Within all of this the mother never meant to hurt anyone … she was just to wrapped up in her own issues that she was never aware of the damage her behaviors were causing — you see, the un-intentional mental and emotional abuse the boy endured day and night became his “life lessons” … she literally taught the child to be angry and depressed towards life and towards the rest of the world all around him.  Yet, he would not come to see his own unhealthy perceptions of reality until it was much too late …

When we think about things (& I mean REALLY ponder a concept or idea) small and obvious details can suddenly become so important … and in the case study we’re looking at about the making of a troubled teen it’s much the same … if we look closely, certain details can be highlighted –

… as many will agree, it is commonly accepted that nobody actually wakes up thinking they want to become focused on the negative or that they want to manifest pain & suffering in their life — and that would seem true in any circumstance; I mean, the next time you see a homeless person, a drug addicted prostitute, or even a senior citizen working at McDonald’s … take a moment and realize that when they were just children the situation they’re in now was probably not what they had for dreams and aspirations … however, the truth remains, (although blatantly obvious) life doesn’t always take us where we want (or expect) to go …

… and therein lies the rub — “If it’s not where we want to go, then how do we get there?”

For the young boy in our story it would seem no different — was there any point in his childhood where he dreamed of suffering with debilitating depression like his mother? … his answer later in life would be, “Yes.” In fact, he remembered the exact time and place where he thought for the very first time about suicide and he wished wholeheartedly with complete and utter honesty that, of all things in the world, he just wanted to “Be Dead” — and he was 10 years old, sitting at his kitchen table, doing his math homework, only a few weeks before Christmas …

These were merely the facts of the situation as it was, and for one saving grace it was a feeling that passed by morning of the next day … and, “What was that saving grace?” you might ask — it was … his own anger & rage.

Anger and rage might seem like odd emotions to praise as being helpful … often they’re the type of emotions that lead to trouble, and originally for the kid in our case study it was no different —

Being so unhealthy, the young child required a significant amount of care and attention … which, as you can imagine, was less than acceptable to his 2 older brothers. In the end, they became abusive and mean to the young lad — taunting him, bullying him, doing things to be cruel and mean … and with him being weak with his respiratory illness it only made the kid an easier target, not only for his older brothers but neighborhood children in general — his brothers would go so far as to hold a pillow over his face for minutes at a time … and then, like most children, when confronted by mom and dad they simply denied the whole thing …

… it went on like this for most of his youth — being bullied and abused (physically by class mates and emotionally by his mother) … day after day … year after year … and as time went on his experiences taught him that life was mostly cruel and unfair … in time, he grew angrier and angrier … at his family, at his situation, and at his life in general …

… and on the morning after his first time harboring suicidal thoughts he awoke with a renewed sense of hate and anger towards everything in the world … and, “How would that be helpful?” you might be wondering — the answer: it was an external focus … it took his mind off his internal struggles … it was a distraction from the self-hate and suicidal thoughts …

… and the best part was still on the horizon — you see, he eventually learned to utilize that anger and angst … he would eventually learn how to direct & re-direct it … he would eventually learn to wield the most debilitating emotions a person could experience like his own personal weapons for both defense and attack … and it would be then that the very thoughts and emotions which were trying to kill him would actually save his life …

Issues between siblings and family members are quite common (although probably not quite as extreme as the case study above) so I wanted to share a little video I made about one of my students who has found her NLP training helpful in creating better communication in both family situations and the world in general … her name is Danielle and this is her video:

When considering any case study (especially for comparison to one’s own life) there are often overlapping components that, although common in both cases, will have a certain level of uniqueness for each individual case … the immediate case we are reviewing is no different;

Commonly known as the “Karpman Drama Triangle,” we all learn to play certain roles in life … and usually, we each have one particular role which we favor over the others. In the regards to the Karpman Triangle the generally accepted roles people play are that of:

• VICTIM: the person who is treated as, or takes the role of, a being victimized;
• PERSECUTOR: the person who pressures, coerces, harass and/or blames the victim;
• RESCUER: the underdog who intervenes out of an ostensible wish to help the situation.

For the boy in our case study he learned, like many children, to play each different role of the triangle as he was required to … by mimicking his mother’s depressing behaviors he was able to learn the skills of “laying guilt trips,” “blaming and accusing,” “acting out of spite,” etc. — but, as many of us know, these are unhealthy behaviors that eventually lead to stressful relationships filled with hurt and anguish … and that was something the boy realized early on.

At this point let’s remember that this is a little boy who is still only a child … growing up and learning the process of living life under these difficult and troubled circumstances — now, in an earlier part of our story we made mention of the family’s belief that “a child who grows up in an abusive home will learn to adapt simply because they know no better” … and, although it’s untrue, it does hold some small measure of truth … this child learned to adapt his inappropriate communication skills and used them to address his own situation …

… the child thought (as children do) to try and explain everything in the simplest of explanations … and so, he created the belief that, “Life is to BLAME and for me to stop being VICTIMIZED by life I HAVE TO rescue everyone!” (which we might realize is a bit of a big task for such a young person, wouldn’t ya say?) — as you can imagine, it didn’t work because, as we already know, his perceptions were all filtered through anger and hurt … he would never be free of being hurt by “Life” because that was all his mind was looking for and allowing him to see and experience …

… and thus, he simply wished for nothing more than for it all to just stop …

Two NLP coaches whom I know personally actually coached this kid several years ago, and they will confirm the fact that when they asked about his thoughts on suicide the one point which he was adamant about was the virtue of the act … (many of you might be thinking, “Huh?” … “the virtue of suicide?” … “WTF?” … yes, most of us in life will agree that suicide would obviously be the wrong choice … however, not everyone sees it that way …

You see, even as an adult this kid looked back on those situations and, in every one, the things which he faced in life were simply too much for him to handle … at that point in his life he simply didn’t have the skills, abilities, knowledge and inner resources he needed to deal with the adversities life was throwing at him — his comment to my NLP colleagues was basically “…based on where I was at mentally & emotionally along with everything I was facing in life, I he absolutely, completely, wholeheartedly believed that the best choice would actually have been to end it all!”

Lucky for his family, humans don’t always choose what they believe to be the “Right” decision … and in this case study, when he was a boy he decided to rebel against everything which he knew to be the “Correct” choice (to take his own life) …

Why? — quite simply it was because he was pissed off with always getting screwed over by life … his thoughts were,”If Life wasn’t going to give me what I want then I sure as hell ain’t gonna give Life what it wants!” — so, in the end it was his own anger, angst, hatred and resentment which he used to fight back against those thoughts and feelings which sought to overwhelm him … he used all that pent up rage to get through those tough times in his life when everything seemed utterly hopeless … however, a coping strategy utilizing negative emotions will cause it’s own troubles in life … ones he’d soon come to face as an adult …

People may think that anger, hate, fear, etc. may not be the best options for dealing with ‘Depression’ … however, most people don’t truly understand how the mind of a depressed person works …

Someone dealing with depression doesn’t know that how they are thinking is unhealthy — in fact, it’s the exact opposite! As someone with personal experience in this I can tell you that when one is depressed they actually believe they see things more clearly than the rest of the world … and the kid in our case study was exactly the same …

… this kid could have made a great lawyer! — he was well skilled in the art of debate because his mind had become quick & sharp at turning & twisting the facts in order to fit his own perceptions … but (as anyone who does “Energy Work” will tell you) although we can occasionally use negative energy as a power source (i.e. stress for a procrastinator), the fact is that negative energy will actually deplete you even further …

Keeping up a facade built on ‘anger’ and ‘hate’ was hard work & actually drained his strength and determination even more … and so, by the time he was a teenager, this kid found himself in a cycle — commonly referred to in Psychology as a “Downward Spiral” — where his negative perceptions only allowed him to see all the difficulties in life … which made him even more frustrated and hurt … emotions he’d use as motivation to keep going “in spite of a bad life” … confirming his belief that “life sucks” … and that would feed his negative perceptions of himself, his life and his future …

… in the end, it was a whirlpool of depression that he would always be at risk of falling into for the rest of his life …

In NLP we sometimes refer to the way people perceive how the world is (or how they think it should be) as their internal map or model of the world. One of my previous students found that to be one of the most powerful benefits of her training — it allowed her to more effectively understand and relate to other people. Her name is Laura and here is the video I made of our telephone interview:

It’s interesting to note that the kid in our case study grew and learned in the same ways as most children — in the 0-5 year stage he soaked up all his mother’s unhealthy habits of depression without question. Following that stage, in the 6-13 years old stage, he started to try on the behaviors of people outside his family … he looked for role models and heroes trying to find people who commanded respect and never got picked on …

… now, you may be asking, “Who were those people? Didn’t they show him better options than anger and depression??” … to which I’ll ask, “Who were the people foremost in this kid’s awareness who NEVER got bullied?” … that’s right, the ‘Bullies’ themselves! … and so, that’s where he first learned how to use anger and hate to beat down his whiny, wussy, depressing perceptions …

.. but, following that stage in his life he began the 14-21 year old stage where a person begins creating their own individual identity … and it was in this stage (when he really looked at who he was) that the young man first realized how messed up his perceptions where & how they were limiting his choices in life … it was in this stage he recognized that he was the true cause of his own pain and suffering — HE was his own worst enemy! …

Now, having becoming aware of all this without any healthy ways to handle it, the kid simply went with what he had learned in childhood … more hate and anger — blaming himself now, instead of life — until, in the end, he simply became misanthrope … hating the world, hating life, and hating himself … however, there was hope — there was a better choice which he would quickly come to see!

During an earlier part of our case study I briefly mentioned how the young boy in our story had tried to play the role of ‘Rescuer’ when his mother played the role of ‘Victim’ … and of course when he succeeded it made the little child very happy! — this lead to his decision that the only way he’d be worthy of having a happy life was to rescue everyone …

Being older now the young man still held that belief deep down inside, and it was that part of him which hungered so desperately for other people to notice him and praise him for being helpful and kind … and, like drugs, it became an addicting escape from all his self-recrimination … by the time he reached high-school it had consumed him — he was that kid in school who was always there for his friends … so much in fact that there were times his misguided kindness was taken advantage of …

Experiences which lead to any kind of emotional pain and suffering would simply plunge the teen back into the whirlpool of depression that was always churning inside him … his only means of pulling himself out was to turn his focus outward … to rescue the world and re-gain a tiny bit of self-esteem and hope …

It went on like this for years — hate the world … save the world … hate himself … like himself — back and forth over and over again … until he was able to find a better way to turn his life around … which is where Daniel (me!) comes into the story …

Since we’ve covered the entire part of the case study that demonstrates the creation and development of behavioral patterns of depression, it is now time to start identifying the process by which each of the subsequent components were addressed and, eventually, solved … however, before we can do that I’d like to briefly review what our case study has shown us about depression:

• “Depression” is actually a learned perception … it’s a way of filtering one’s experiences to remove or downplay positive aspects of an event while distorting and generalizing the remaining awarenesses in order to fit one’s negative beliefs about life …
• Because of depression’s way of manipulating and twisting the person’s perceptions of “actual” experiences in order to make them congruent with the negative beliefs about life … when a person is in the deepest state of mental and emotional depression, ONLY negative thoughts and emotions can exist … thus, the only tool available to fight back will be their advanced skills of “selective perceptions” as a way to twist the “depressed view” of the facts to fit something more positive …
• Using negative emotions to drive this unhealthy habit of manipulated perception as a way to fight depression should be considered only a temporary “band-aid” solution for the worst case situations …
• Although it is possible to address the resulting internal negative self image of depression using external ‘Rescuer’ behaviors, this too will only provide short-term relief from the symptoms of depression and is unlikely to cure the dis-ease …
• In the end, Depression is a set of behaviors which focus on creating a negative cycle of perceptions — this means that Depression is not a single state of mind but rather it’s something one must continually feed with unhealthy habits in order to maintain the unpleasant feelings.

… hmmmm … all that seems kinda depressing doesn’t it? … so let’s start looking at the “cure” instead …

If our case study was a “feel-good” movie, this should be the climactic point where our protagonist turns his life around, suddenly gets all better, achieves the big victory and wins the heart of the damsel! … hmmmm … uhhhmmm … no … I hate to be the one to break it to ya, but that just ain’t real life my friends …

No, this kid didn’t get “all better” over-night … in fact, his depression never completely went away — now, I realize that at the end of yesterday’s piece I told you we’d look at the “cure” to Clinical Depression … and, when you pull it all apart, the truth is that the cure for Clinical Depression is exactly like the dis-ease itself; it’s not an end goal but rather a new set of behaviors that focus instead on positive perceptions … and, in the same way, they’re something a person must continually work to maintain in order to have on-going positive life experiences!

… so, in the true sense of the word, there really is no “cure” for Depression … however it CAN be “Overcome!” … which is what this kid went on to do — he eventually discovered how to control his perceptions so that he could experience a good life instead of the depressing one he had learned to perceive during his youth … and if you’re wondering, “Does Depression still dog the kid to this day?” — Oh, hell ya! … it’s kinda like the evil Voldomort in the Harry Potter movies; it keeps trying to come back and seize control, but with the magic of NLP he can dispel it back into the shadows of his past … simply because he recognizes what his mind is doing as it’s happening, and he has learned to acknowledge it without letting it take control of his life …

… I know this because (as many of you may have already guessed) the kid in our case study was ME … but, I’m no longer that melancholy kid bullied by his emotions … these days I’m so far separated from those experiences of my past that most times, when I think about them, I often feel as if they happened to a completely different person … because, as I’ll explain, they did …

Based on how I ended yesterday’s snippet I should clarify something — No, I do not have multiple personalities … (really! I took a vote and Me, Myself & I all agreed!) ;p

So, when I said that all the experiences of my youth happened to a completely different person, what I meant was that who I am today is nothing like the person I was when dealing with all those difficult experiences of my childhood. The kid that was trying so hard to figure out how to handle severe illness, extremely dysfunctional family issues, ongoing school bullying, etc. … that kid only had the unhealthy behaviors and thinking patterns which he had learned while growing up … that’s all he knew how to do in order to deal with all the sh*t Life was throwing at him …

The person I am today is someone who has overcome those habits of depression … I have much more choice … much more freedom of perception … and a much happier life!

Now, although I can tell you that I have the ability to beat down my depression, it does deserve a bit further of an explanation … it was kinda like overcoming an actual mountain of unhealthy habits … the act of climbing out of the valley with hope to reach the sunlit peak was a long and arduous journey … and it all started with one basic strategy: “Once [INSERT GOAL HERE] happens then everything will be better!” … and I would try that particular strategy over and over and over again … like an addict I was always looking for that “one quick fix” — the one thing that will solve ALL my problems.

After doing that with a long list of goals in my life I eventually found the one that would put me on the right path … & the solution was so simple — all it took was someone else’s life!

Yesterday I put out a question to readers about what was one thing in life that you believed would make everything better (which I’m still open to receiving more responses if you haven’t sent one yet) … now, at this point in our story I really believed: “When I finally have the ‘Perfect, Healthy, Happy Relationship’ then everything in my life would be great!”

… and it’s really no surprise … considering the experiences growing up in a dysfunctional family combined with the need to ‘rescue’ people in order to have any level of self-esteem, it’s no wonder why my goal was focused around the ‘Perfect’ relationship! … but then it actually happened — I actually found her! Yep … believe it or not I found the perfect female counterpart. She lived in small town Saskatchewan and she had issues very similar to mine … family, friends, self-esteem, bleak future, etc. We were perfect for each other … simply because we complimented one another — when I was down she ‘rescued’ me and when she was unsure I ‘rescued’ her … it was the ultimate happy & co-dependent relationship!

So that’s how it went — I encouraged her to grow and change for the better, and she did the exact same for me … and things got better … there was even a point where she supported my crazy idea of pursuing this odd communication course called, Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) … and that’s where I learned to transform myself & help others transform too … it should only get better from there, right? … or, at least, that’s what I expected …

Since the release of the movie “The Secret” and books such as “The Law of Attraction” by Lozier there has been a huge movement towards the idea of everybody manifesting the life they want … today, much of the material available often promotes the wonderful idea that it’s possible for you to manifest ANYTHING you want! … However, the curious question is, “Why doesn’t it seem to ALWAYS work?” Well, the answer is fairly simple — the recent flood of Law of Attraction material into the world is, for the most part, ‘Backwards!’

Yep … I know, surprising eh? … now, you might wonder: “How do I know this?” … well, it’s interesting that you ask. You see … a few years ago, that was the exact topic which I was focusing on in the doctorial dissertation I needed to complete in order to get my Research Doctorate in Metaphysical Science! (For anyone who’s curious, I’ve included a link to a copy of my research paper below) After a lot of work, the final conclusion that I came to was: In order for your Law of Attraction or Intention Manifestation techniques to be successful you must first solve whatever issues you have in life that are holding you back! … the current problem today is that most people are try to manifest what they want in hopes that it will solve the issues they have in their lives …

… and that’s precisely what I did when I first learned NLP — my immediate thought was that I could have anything I want in life (and it’s true you can) but I was focused on manifesting all my material hopes and dreams which forced me to recognize all the limiting beliefs, behaviors, thoughts and feelings that had been created in childhood — everything that was holding me back from all the wealth and happiness I could possibly dream of!

It was as if I asked the Universe for more money in order to be happy and it said, “Sure! … you just gotta deal with THIS first!” … and the next thing I knew I was holding a bottle of pills surprised by how my life was about to end …

Based on everything I’ve read I confidently believe that both Donald Trump & the Dalai Lama have dealt with all their inner demons and are free to use the Law of Attraction to manifest happiness for themselves — for one it comes in the form of a feel inside … for the other it takes the form of a bank balance … each persona has their own definition of what happiness means for them.

If you’d like to see the research — and I warn you that it’s a heavy read; a bit more technical than most things I write — the research paper was called, “The Foundation of General Manifestation and Law of Attraction Techniques” … and you can download a PDF copy here: http://www.scionofnlp.ca/Manifestation_Research.pdf

There are a number of old sayings that speak about helping your fellow man, and all that good karma stuff … however, one common element is that in every culture all the proverbs always seem to agree on one thing — before you can ever help others you must always help yourself first!

Now, on the surface this can almost seem like a statement of selfishness — kinda like a “put yourself #1″ idea — but, the real meaning is actually about your need to be in a healthy mental and physical space if you’re ever gonna be of any help to others. By putting importance on taking care of yourself it both, shows others that it’s okay for them to recognize when they need to put themselves first to get better (& that’s okay to do it), … plus, it shows yourself some respect too …

… which is a huge problem for someone with depression because, when it’s the job of a depressor to rescue the world, the last thing they want to do is put more problems on others … so that means a depressed person feels they must be solely responsible for all their own problems and fix them all by themselves … without help from ANYONE!  (*Yikes!*)

However, let’s go back to the original idea that “Before you can ever help others you must always help yourself first” … which can sometimes mean being able to recognize when you need to let others help you (seriously — the presupposition of the sentence is that anyone is able to help others when they’re in a healthy space — include one’s own friends and family … including helping you!).

This is pretty tough thing for a person with depression to accept, but it’s also the most important “first step” if they’re ever gonna be in a healthy enough space to help the people they care so much about! My NLP buddy Archie once summed it up best when he looked me in the eye and said, “Daniel. You could really accomplish a lot … if you’d only get out of your damn way!” … and when one is on the verge of suicide that’s exactly it — the only thing that stood between me and living was … well … me!

As many people over the years have realized, one of the greatest benefits of NLP is not merely helping improve your own life … but the ability to be more effective at influencing other people to improve their lives as well. Recently, I got the chance for an interview with one such person who makes a living from doing exactly that — she helps people actualize their dream of being an author … and she uses NLP to help her do it!

Her name is Julie Salisbury of Inspire-A-Book ( http://www.inspireabook.com/ ) and I’ve posted a new video of her telephone interview on the topic of NLP and what it’s done for her. If you’re curious, here it is:

We now know that one of the biggest obstacles for a depressed person to get over is their own belief that they need to fix everything themselves … once you get past that, then it’s simply finding the confidence to ASK for the help — the big issue between those two points is centered around an “ALL or NOTHING” perception … and that’s a core element for having mad depression skills! You see, an expert in depression truly believes they MUST fix ALL their problems ENTIRELY by themselves — and if you convince them to change that perception, then they can easily flip to the exact opposite end the spectrum and suddenly they will believe that they CAN NOT DO ANYTHING for themselves — which includes getting help from others! (*enter our arch nemesis, “Self Sabotage,” once again*)

For me, I was lucky — by the time I reached the epitome of my depression I had learned just enough NLP to recognize that all my thoughts and beliefs are merely perceptions; neither right or wrong — only useful or un-useful. So as I sat there in the last moments of life I was able to admit that what I was doing and thinking were behaviors which I WAS CHOOSING … and that meant I could choose something different! — that’s right, when you take responsibility for the bad stuff you perceive in your life, then it becomes possible to choose different ways of seeing and experiencing those same events.

This realization was just enough to allow me the chance to ask the one person in my life at that time who I could rely on to simply “stay with me” … when I came to this huge cross-roads in my life I was truly blessed to have the best friend I had ever have met there — and she was there every step of the way … and still to this day she remains one of my dearest friends … she’s the mother of my son … she’s my ex-wife … and she’s my savior …

… the old saying is, “In the world you may be merely one person … but, to one person you may be the entire world!” — the question is who are the people around you today that you could count on if you came to a cross-roads in your life? … teachers? … friends? … family members? — think about it … I do … often (here’s an example: http://givingchallenge.ning.com/profiles/blogs/2039308logPost:34116 )

The best way to think of depression (or anxiety) is kinda like self bullying … if your own internal emotions bully you into seeing a problem in a certain way, then it’s difficult to see any other way to deal with it — thus, people work with counselors and coaches to get an external, un-clouded perspective of the problem …

Einstein was quoted as saying, “You can never solve a problem on the same level which you created it!” … and in NLP we easily overcome this concern by “Chunking” around — the basic premise being that you can both 1. split big problems into manageable sized pieces while also 2. see the problem as one small piece of a much larger picture …

… hmmmm … seeing a really big problem as being a smaller part of something else, while at the same time seeing the same problem as being made up of even smaller pieces … seems like a simple concept, right?

So … get a box of cereal and put it on the very edge of a table … then, squat down next the table and lean in close to the bottom of the box – so that your nose is almost touching where the cereal box meets the table … and now, moving your head as little as possible, look up — look waaaaaay up … and suddenly it looks like one ENORMOUS cereal box. Now, from this point-of-view it would as if it was way to big to move! … or does it? — after all, a box of cereal is just that … a box which is filled with smaller individual pieces of cereal that even a mouse could move!  Now, stand up and take a few steps back … and look at the cereal box and how it is part of the whole scene — from this perspective it’s merely one small part of the bigger picture (*wow – I just realized I totally need to clean my kitchen!*).

As you can guess, the general idea is that if you can see the same problem from a different perspective it will give you a different way of understanding it … and ultimately give you a new way to consider solving it. However, one trick I learned while overcoming depression is about knowing WHEN and HOW to apply these two options!    …

- When your issue is an ACTION — like, having to do something — and your negative feeling is that you’re unable to do it … then try break it up into smaller and more achievable pieces.

- When your issue is an EVENT — like, something that happens outside your control — and you feel powerless to deal with it … then look at where it fits in life and work on changing the things that effect the problem instead.

… that’s one neat little twist of focus that I learned from an NLP coach of my own, Judy Wright … and that’s not the only trick she taught me …

When things aren’t working out the way you want it will always have an effect on the way you perceive your life … and in the same way it will effect any expectations you have of the future. As you know, if you fail enough times then you become accustom to failing and it’s what you learn to expect — thus, self sabotage is simply your unconscious behavior actualizing your expectations.

So, in order to get an unbiased perspective of events in life people will often seek the counsel of therapists and coaches — these are people who’s job is to provide a more useful outside point of view about the problems you face … but, the best coaches don’t just help you see things differently — they teach you how to CHANGE the way you see things for yourself. Having a psychologist change the way you perceive things means you need to see them every time things aren’t working in life. On the other hand, NLP coaches are focused more on teaching you to help yourself so that you can stop the negative pattern permanently — which is what my mentor Judy Wright of Gateways Counseling in Regina, SK did for me! ( http://gatewayscounselling.com/ )

From experience I can tell you that changing the way you see things is actually the easy part in the beginning — for people who are really good at screwing up their lives it is such a natural habit that by the time they realize it’s time to do something it’s already too late … so all they can do is fix things after their broken. The difficult part for people in that situation is learning to catch themselves screwing things up before it’s too late!  Depression is exactly like that — you gotta be able to catch yourself doing it before you get too deep, otherwise you need someone else’s help to pull yourself out. However, when you learn to catch yourself messing up perceptions before they completely take hold, then you can do the techniques you learn in counseling to be able to stop yourself from becoming overwhelmingly depressed!

Although, after years of practice, you might expect that someone who has dealt with depression for a long time would have the highly developed skills and abilities necessary in order to entirely avoid slipping and falling back into their whirlpool of depression … but that’s wrong — you see, humans have a tendency to become complacent … so, just like an alcoholic who’s working to stay sober, a person who depresses needs to stay vigilant if they’re going to remain positive and healthy … but, the sad fact still remains … it just doesn’t work that easy. So then what??? What can a person who knows their habits of depressing are inevitable do? … I mean, that mere realization alone could send a person in that situation plunging back into depressing thoughts … however, there is actually a solution out there!

One of the greatest fears of most people dealing with mental and emotional baggage is the stigma that seems to surround the concept of “going for counseling” (one of the main reasons I’m an NLP “Coach” … in our society getting counseling is often immediately connected to mental illness which is quickly associated to movies about serial killers, deranged lunatics & sociopathic criminals … and so, the thought of admitting you have “issues” … well … a person might immediately imagine their image being ruined … losing their friends … and it costing them their career!

However, there are communities and groups (especially on-line) that work to support people through their process of personal change and individual growth — there are endless number of forums and newsgroups and things such as those where anyone can share their story and receive advice and encouragement (or give it). I was lucky because in the NLP community we are extremely supportive of each other and often offer one another free coaching … the reason being that during the process of learning NLP you realize just how common it is for everyone to have their own inner demons which they must face …

Now, I’d like to say that facing your own issues won’t cost you anything & that it won’t lose you friends … but that just isn’t true … it does cost you a great many things! — although, it’s not so much that “having issues” is the problem … no, it’s more about “NOT having issues” being the real concern!

There are a lot of places where you can find sources of NLP support on the internet … and recently Soaring Success added a new one — we now have a Facebook Fan Page! If you have a Facebook Profile, please feel encouraged to “become a fan”   … http://www.facebook.com/pages/Victoria-BC/Soaring-Success-PEC/129511095742

Real danger is a part of many experiences in life — skydiving … bungee jumping … smacking an angry bear with a dead fish … motorcycle racing … the list is endless. However, there is one thing that can destroy a life which most people are unaware of … that something is called “Self Improvement!”

Ya’see, the innate drive to learn is born into all of us (it’s just part of our unconscious programming) simply as a way to learn. You touch the stove & get burned – you’ve “learned” something … but … what if you want more than just “learning to survive?” — what if you want to make your life better?

Whether you agree or not, it’s true that all those workshops and seminars about “self empowerment” actually do work (Tony Robbins ain’t rich by accident!) … the problem is that when you improve yourself it changes how you experience life … which changes how you interact with the people around you! So I have to say …

** WARNING! ** Overcoming depression has a tendency to cost you friends — if you meet someone when you’re depressing, then you’ll connect with them on that level of thinking … so, when your unhealthy ways of thinking and acting change, the people who remain on that level of thinking won’t be able to “connect” with the new un-depressed version of you because you won’t act and think in the way they’re used to — and people dislike it when predictable things change because it makes them feel like they’re losing control over parts of their life … that’s when they start saying things like, “You’ve changed!” and “You’re not the same person that I met!” –

And there’s the rub! — the truth is that you ARE the same person deep inside! With the same old habits of depression … but the difference is now you know the danger of letting those old habits take over … and now you know how to catch yourself when you’re doing them … and you know how to stop doing those old habits of depressing so that you can have the enjoyable life you want! … however, you may need to enjoy your new life with new friends who will support the healthy ways you perceive and interact with the world.

** REMEMBER ** When you’re improving your life using NLP it’s important to keep in mind that the friends who’ll last are the ones who can support you in your Self Improvement … or perhaps they’ll even join you on the journey!

It’s true that people can change. The one limit you need to remember is that it’s difficult to change strategies that work … basically it’s a concept of: you don’t fix things that ain’t broke. The problem with that is: unhealthy habits, although on the surface they don’t seem to be getting you what you want, your unconscious mind does perceive that they are getting you “something” — old habits become new problems not because they stop working, but rather, they start working at accomplishing something other than what they were created for.

Imagine someone who is rude and condescending … when that behavior was originally created it may have served a purpose such as making them stand out as a confident and rebellious teenager (gaining them the admiration of their peers) … but, 20 years later, treating people like that is probably getting them the exact opposite — losing friends, costing them promotions at work or even getting them fired from their job — so why do they still use that same old behavior today? I mean, even if they consciously realize that it no longer serves any useful purpose, why do they keep doing it?

The answer is simple — it worked! (Note the past tense of the verb there) … in the past being rude and condescending worked so well that they unconsciously came to rely on it for predictable success at gaining them friends. However, even though they know it no longer works for that, they keep using the same behavior because at a deeper level it still creates a sense of control and power and predictability — it’s the only way they KNOW that has been successful before … so they unconsciously choose to do it without question! Any new behavior they learn doesn’t have the same track record of creating that sense of “I know how to handle this!” & “I’m in control of my life!”

Now, this is where NLP comes into play … Neuro Linguistic Programming was originally developed as a way to help people fix themselves — it was mainly focused on applications for psychotherapy … but, modern NLP has expanded on that model and begun helping people develop more useful and more successful attitudes, beliefs, values and behaviors in the fields of education, business & even for assisting in physical health and well-being. — so, for our rude and condescending friend who keeps losing his friends and his jobs, NLP offers knowledge and tools which have consistently worked over the years for re-training the unconscious part of the brain … so he could choose new and more useful behaviors … so he can have a better career where he’ll make more money … so he can create better personal relationships and improve other areas of his life –

Living a better life begins with accepting the fact that the unhealthy habits we use, although they don’t seem to be getting us something, do actually achieve an unconscious need (even if it’s just that sense of power of choice) … once you accept this truth then you can stop focusing on changing the behavior and start figuring out the unconscious need it’s achieving … that’s how you can find a new behavior to replace it with which will achieve the desired outcome while still getting that same unconscious need met! … Only then can you change your behaviors and improve your life!

The discussion has raged on for generations about what people think is the best way to solve the world’s problems (both internal personal issues and external challenges in our community) … but the one thing that everyone agrees on is: to truly overcome something you must deal with the source and not just the symptom(s) …

… in healthcare that means curing the cause of the illness rather than simply addressing the presenting symptoms.

… in business that means correcting the procedure that lead to the problem, not just extinguishing the problem itself.

… in education that means relating new lessons and learnings to what the student already knows rather than just presenting new ideas without reference.

The NLP approach to changing behaviors is based on this same format — find the current source of an unwanted behavior (the current unconscious reason or purpose for doing the behavior) and then find a new and improved way to get that need met; a way that will also help carry you towards the life you want to have. It’s interesting to note that sometimes in this process you discover that all you really need is to change the ‘reason’ for a behavior instead of trying to change the behavior itself!

As a child I learned to be a “Rescuer” because it’s how I got my self-esteem needs met. The problem is that it lead to me putting everyone else’s needs above my own, and with none of my own needs being met I had a terrible life. Today, I still use my “Rescuer” skills through my NLP coaching and course … however, I also recognize my own needs and take the time to make sure I’m taken care of too. I no longer rescue people to feel good about myself (these days I have healthier ways of fostering my self-esteem) … now I help people because I like to! — this freedom of choice allows me to say ‘NO’ whenever my own life becomes too challenging … and without any of the old feelings of guilt or shame.

In the end, whether you use NLP or some other modality for personal change, overcoming something in your life means looking at both the behavior and it’s source … if the reason you do it is unhealthy then you can change that … or, if the purpose of the behavior is positive but the behavior itself is causing you problems, then you can replace the behavior with one that still meets the underlying need (this is what reduces any resistance from your unconscious mind) …

… BTW, this the same way NLP deals with GOOD behaviors, too …

I gotta ask, “How do you do the things that you’re good at?” … I mean, “How do you do them so well?” …

That’s the question that started it all … just a couple guys with the simple question: “How do you do that?” …

… they were curious about how successful people were able to do what they did so well …  specifically they wanted to know how to replicating the skills and abilities of experts in human behavior and psychology. They wanted to be as good as the experts at helping people improve their lives and, in the end, what they learned was less about being good psychotherapists and more about the ways to figure out how others do what they do.

… they discovered how to pull apart the successful behaviors of others in order to create a set of steps which anyone can use to mimic that person’s skills and abilities … and that foundational process of NLP is called “Modeling” …

Today, Modeling Successful People has become a multi-million dollar a year industry … NLPers have taken their modeling skills and created strategies for everything from ‘weight loss’ to ‘overcoming depression’ … the most successful NLPers have used their modeling abilities to create strategies for things like ‘personal empowerment’ and ‘the Law of Attraction’ — (and I’m certain you probably know who I’m talking about… people like Anthony Robbins and Michael Lozier … millionaires who built their fortune with only their first level of NLP training!

Much like them, I began my NLP journey focused on just fixing myself, and since then I went from Depressed to Success … from working as an Accountant to being a Behavioral Modification Trainer & Coach … and for anyone who is thinking, “Yeah, but ‘How do you do that?” … my answer can be simplified to this: I’ve found my passion in life & I started living it!

To overcome a depressing, boring, anxiety ridden, stressful and/or frustrating life it takes more than controlling how you perceive life … the secret is in creating your future — focus less on stopping behaviors that suck and focus more on filling your life with doing things that bring you joy and happiness …

As an accountant I was simply existing but I wasn’t truly living my passion … now, overcoming depression hasn’t just allowed me to live my passion, but rather living my passion helps me stay out of depression … for me, I discovered my passion is teaching people NLP …

So, my advice for you is: find your passion in life and follow it! — what are you passionate about? … is it part of what you do for a living? … if no, then I say, “Why not?” …

Alternatively … it’s possible you may be asking the question: “What if you don’t know what your passion is?” …

In the last post, I mentioned that it’s important to find your passion and to follow it … however, the question still remains, “What if you don’t know what your life’s passion is?” …

… Well, here’s a lesson I got from a coaching colleague once — have you ever met someone that, when you asked them about a particular topic, they got really excited and just kept talking and talking and talking … even when you had to go they just wanted to keep telling you more and more about it? Do you know someone like that? … because those are people who are passionate about that particular subject.

So, if you want to know your passion then, the question is: “What is something that you will just not shut up about if someone asks you!” … if there is anything in your life which you’ve gotten overwhelmed trying to tell someone about it — then that’s probably one of your passions in life (although, it may not be your whole life’s passion!) … anything that, when someone asks you about it, you just have to tell them absolutely EVERYTHING about it until they get as excited as you are about it — if something excites you that much then it’s likely something you’re passionate about!

But, is that one topic your life’s passion? — probably not … you see, a whole life’s passion is something that consumes one’s life … it’s not something that you’re passionate about for short period of time before you completely lose interest in it — those kinds of things are passions within your life … and they will often come and go, however a life’s passion lasts for long, long periods of time. Now, that doesn’t mean that you’ll be over the top passionate about that one thing for your whole life … it may be stronger some days more than others, but it is something that will seemingly forever hold a part of your interest and curiosity.

– it’s even possible that just finding the things you are temporarily passionate about can sometimes be a life’s passion in itself — some of the most interesting people I know are 50+ years old and they still haven’t decided what they’ll be when they grow up!  So just remember that anything that makes you over the top excited is probably something that you should give more of your time to, because it’s those things that make you feel like you’re living a fun and fulfilling life … and it’s those things that give people a reason for living …

Thus, the final piece of wisdom I’ll share with you is that it’s valuable for you to discover what things in life stir up your energy and excitement — and pursue them so that you can fill all areas of your life with that same energy and excitement …

… with that in mind I want to make note that this is the second to last post in this series of story snippets and I want to thank you for letting me share all this with you. Starting today I’m once again creating the opportunity to bring passion into my life by opening registration for this fall’s NLP practitioner training course. I’d like to let you know that if you’re interested in putting more passion and power into your life that NLP is one of those amazing tools for doing that — no matter what your life’s passion is! …

So, if your interested in truly increasing your ability to have greater power and influence in your life please check out the full information page at: http://www.soaringsuccess.ca/career-training/nlp-career-training/nlp-practitioner-certification-program/

Well, this is the final component of the story we started over a month ago about overcoming depression … and this is also the beginning of the New Soaring Success eNewsletter Syndication –

The last thing that we shared was the need to find your passion in life and follow it … and in the process of doing so you will often be faced with changes and challenges that will get in your way — some of them internal and others external — and wherever they come from it’s a matter of finding the best way to deal with those limitations and put them behind you …

… this is where things like a Mastermind Group come in handy — a group of people who you can offer feedback and advice from personal experience about what has and has not worked for them in overcoming similar problems that you are facing yourself … sometimes you need the feedback and sometimes you’ll have useful advice to give — and everyone who is part of the Soaring Success newsletter group is invited to offer their experiences and point of view as ‘comments’ on articles & posts found through links in the e-newsletter.

Everyone who subscribed to was told they’d periodically get tools, tips and techniques on using NLP to deal with things in their own life … so, from this point forward you’ll only receive the newsletter a couple times a month with links to a couple articles about NLP and ways to improve your own life. As well, it will include links to any new blog posts that might be of interest to you. — All of which you are encouraged to share your own perspective and guidance on … together, people can get through pretty much anything if we have the courage to connect, ask and influence our world to help create a life filled with joy and happiness … and wealth … and love … and anything else that you personally want in your life! — with that said, if you haven’t already, sign up for the Soaring Success eNewsletter here: http://www.soaringsuccess.ca/contact/sign-up-for-our-e-newsletter/

It’s funny — not in a ‘ha-ha’ sort of way, but more of a ‘hmmm…interesting’ kinda way — I recently had a discussion by email with someone who commented on the My Story section of my blog. It’s the place where I tell the story of using NLP to help learn to control my depression. They said something that left me thinking that it might be hard for people to realize that no matter who you are or how you’re raised, it only takes one person to give you love enough to help get you through the difficult times in life … as it’s been said:

To the world you may only be one person … but to one person you may be the world.

– That person for me growing up was my dad.

Being inspired to think back on all the times in my childhood that I remember filled with joy and happiness, I realized that they almost all incorporated my father in some way or another:

• Camping at Lake Newell in Brooks, Alberta
• Hiking in Dinosaur Provincial Park
• Watching the ball drop in Times Square one New Years Eve
• Teaching me Judo moves while play-wrestling
• Making me a sand-box in the backyard
• Building me a rope swing
• Teaching me to cook tex-mex stew and how to barbeque pork chops
• Taking me to the airport and letting me go to visit my friend in Victoria by myself
• Sitting on the back deck watching the sunset
• Taking me to the muppets movie even though you wanted to see something else
• Letting me rent “Every Which Way But Loose” for the millionth time
• Playing the same boring card games with me all the times I was in the hospital
• Watching the Stanley Cup playoffs together
• Watching the late night news while eating popcorn
• Scratching my back to help calm me when I was violently sick and scared
• Letting me steal sips of your coffee
• Talking with me about ways to deal with bullies when they picked on me
• Trusting me to set my own bed time and be responsible for getting up for school the next day
• Sitting next to my hospital bed in the emergency room at 3:00am with a calm, steady expression of confidence, while you reassured me that everything will be okay

And the list goes on and on. My dad supported me and encouraged me whenever things got bad with my mom and through all those experiences I learned to be the man I am today. He was the one person when I was a kid that I could depend on no matter how bad things got. Now, as a father myself, it is those memories which I use to set the standard of being the best dad I can be.

Forever will I be grateful for all the things you taught me and all the gifts you gave me … and most of all, I’m grateful for the love you showed me. Thank you.